JOKES

Sarge

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Gary Barlow has blocked me on social media! .... whatever I said, whatever I did, I didn't mean it
 

Maurice Earp

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Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner. When the time came to leave, his car wouldn't start, and it was too late to call the local service station.

The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn't even a sofa. So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife. No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife tapped Charlie on the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her. "I couldn't do that," he whispered. "Your husband is my best friend!" "Listen, sugar," she whispered back, "there ain't nothing in the whole wide world could wake hime up now." "I can't believe that," Charlie said. "Certainly if I get on top of you and screw you, he'll wake up won't he? "Sugar, he certainly won't. If you don't believe me, pluck a hair out of his asshole and see if that wakes him." Charlie did just that. He was amazed when the husband remained asleep. So he climbed over to the wife's side of the bed and fucked her.

When he finished, he climbed back to his own side. It wasn't long before she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him over again. Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep. This went on eight times during the night. Each time Charlie screwed the woman, he first pulled out one of the husband's asshole hairs.

The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke and muttered: "Listen, Charlie, old pal, I don't mind you f*****g my wife, but for Pete's sake, stop using my ass for a scoreboard!"
 

Maurice Earp

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6 Dec 2017
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A jockey is walking down the road leading a racehorse when he bumps into a friend.
“What are you planning to do with that nag?” the man asks.
“Race it,” replies the jockey, surprised.
“Well, by the look of it,” the man says, “You’ll win!”
 

Oxymoron

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7 Dec 2017
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206
Shamima Begum, the child ISIS bride, has decided to remain in a Syrian refugee camp after UK Government officials informed her she had been allocated a council house in Swindon........
 

Maurice Earp

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6 Dec 2017
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A new face lift technique is discovered which involves attaching a key like device to the back of the head.
When wrinkles appear, a quick turn of the key turns back the years.
A lady has the device fitted and is initially very happy with the results.
After some years she finds that the key doesn't appear to be doing the job anymore so she heads to the doctor.

"Good morning doctor, my key device appears to have stopped working, can I ask you a couple of questions please?"
says the woman.
"Certainly madam, ask away" replies the doc.
" What are these lumps under my eyes?" asks the woman. The doc takes a look and replies"Those are your breasts madam"
"Hmmm" says the woman, "no point asking about the beard then?"
 

Sarge

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Last time I had to go for a MacDonalds, it took ages to get served and for my order to finally find its way to me. It was delivered by an obese young lady of about 22stone..... ' sorry for the wait' she said, 'I shouldn't worry too much ' I replied ' regular exercise and a healthy diet should shift it'
 

Sarge

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This is why I hate Valentine’s Day
Some people don’t know this but Roughly 15 years ago today , I was about to propose to my girlfriend “I know the cliche of proposing on Valentine’s Day” I was thinking of ways how to do it, I thought it would be best to do it in the hotel room where we had action the first time, to make it perfect I got her mates to help me out,
That night everything was going to plan until her mate joe barged into the hotel room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joe THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries that night.
Joe had gotten a big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend
Apparently they'd fell in love during the time after his injuries, and fucked off together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.
In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?
 

Sarge

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Manchester police stopped over 100 Liverpool fans with flares on the way to the game today. They were the same flares they were wearing the last time they won the league
 

Maurice Earp

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6 Dec 2017
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SENIOR PARACHUTE CLUB
Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me, again, asking why I
didn't do something useful with my time, "like sitting around the
pool and drinking beer isn't a good thing.

Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems
to be her favourite topic of conversation.

She is "only thinking of me," she said and suggested I go
down to the Senior Centre and hang out with the fellas.

So I did and when I got home, decided to play a prank on
her. I sent her an e-mail saying that I had joined the Senior
Parachute Club.

She replied, "Are you nuts? You're 80 years old and now
you're going to start jumping out of aeroplanes?

I told her that I even had a Membership Card and e-mailed
a copy to her.

Immediately, she telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Dad,
where are your glasses?! This is a membership to a Prostitute
Club, not a Parachute Club."

"Oh man, am I in trouble," I said, "I signed up for five jumps
a week!" The line went dead.

Life as a Senior Citizen isn't getting any easier, but
sometimes it can be fun.
 

Oxymoron

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7 Dec 2017
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206
Popped down to Tesco and as I was going in, a group of teenagers asked me if I would get them 20 Richmonds.

"Boys will be boys" I thought, so I said I would but when I came out with them, you should have heard the abuse they gave me - would have made a sailor blush!

Hurling the packet on the floor, I told them straight - "Next time, get your own furking sausages!"
 

Sarge

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6 Dec 2017
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My sister is a huge fan of the supremes, for her 60th i bought her a Diana Ross necklace. After wearing it for a few days her neck started to go a green colour

I think it could be a chain reaction
 
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