JOKES

Maurice Earp

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6 Dec 2017
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977
A guy sits down in a café and asks for a bowl of hot chilli. The waitress says, "The guy sat next to you got the last bowl." He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chilli bowl is still full. He says, "Are you going to eat that?" The other guy says, "No. Help yourself." He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something. He looks down and sees a dead mouse, so he vomits the chilli back into the bowl. The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too
 

Maurice Earp

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6 Dec 2017
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977
An Irishman wanting to become a priest went to see the Bishop who said to him, "you must answer 3 questions on the Holy Bible."

"1st, who was born in a stable?"

"Red Rum", he answered.

"2nd, what do you think of Damascus?"

"It kills 99% of all known germs", he said.

"3rd, what happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive?"

"That's easy," he said, "Popeye kicked the sh*te out of them!"
 

Sarge

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A starter pistol was found outside a pub in town last night .... the police suspect it could be race related
 

Maurice Earp

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977
A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing?”

The father said: “Why, my son, it is a ‘chechia.’ In the desert, it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

“And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a ‘djbellah.’ As I have told you, in the desert, it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My djbellah protects the entire Body,

The son then asked: “But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?”

“These are ‘babouches’ my son,” the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These babouches’ keep us from burning our feet.”

“So, tell me then,” added the boy.

“Yes, my son…”

“Why are you living in London and still wearing all this s**t?
 

Sarge

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While in London last weekend, an American asked me the best way to Selfridges .... try Ebay I advised
 

bazzer9461

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6 Dec 2017
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5,083
Quasimodo run down the street 20 kids chasing after him he stops turns round and says “ P**s off I ain’t got your football “
 

Maurice Earp

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6 Dec 2017
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977
Our tale starts with a man called Dave. Dave is the biggest fan of tractors you've ever met. Growing up on a farm he admired the tractors, and it never went away. Now at 35 Dave has Tractor wallpaper, miniature tractors, full size tractors, clothes with tractors on, toilet roll with tractors on, and even some tractor blue movies (oo-er). Since he was a young man his mother had been pestering him, "Dave you need to stop with these tractors, go out there and find a woman and produce me some grandchildren". Although Dave loved his tractors, he'd now got to 35 and had nothing to show for it. So he finally said "alright mum". Dave sold all of his tractor paraphernalia, and hit the gym. The girl at the grocery store always smiled at him and made a lot of small talk, so Dave thought why not and asked her out, thankfully she said yes. So, Dave takes the lady out for dinner. Now this was before the smoking ban so there were a lot of people in the restaurant smoking. After they sat down for their starter a large group of men chuffing cigars sat down on the table next to them. The lady was clearly distressed by this as she was coughing and spluttering and there was so much smoke that the restaurant became hazy and you couldn't see much further than 3 metres. Seeing the lady in distress Dave said "Don't worry, I'll sort this". Dave leaned back and did a huge, long, deep inhale that lasted for about 30 seconds, all of the smoke in the room went into his lungs and the room was clear. He then stepped outside and breathed it all out, when he returned to the table the girl, astonished, asked "That was amazing how did you do that?", Dave replied:
"I'm an extractor fan"
 

mooro

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13 Dec 2017
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825
Our tale starts with a man called Dave. Dave is the biggest fan of tractors you've ever met. Growing up on a farm he admired the tractors, and it never went away. Now at 35 Dave has Tractor wallpaper, miniature tractors, full size tractors, clothes with tractors on, toilet roll with tractors on, and even some tractor blue movies (oo-er). Since he was a young man his mother had been pestering him, "Dave you need to stop with these tractors, go out there and find a woman and produce me some grandchildren". Although Dave loved his tractors, he'd now got to 35 and had nothing to show for it. So he finally said "alright mum". Dave sold all of his tractor paraphernalia, and hit the gym. The girl at the grocery store always smiled at him and made a lot of small talk, so Dave thought why not and asked her out, thankfully she said yes. So, Dave takes the lady out for dinner. Now this was before the smoking ban so there were a lot of people in the restaurant smoking. After they sat down for their starter a large group of men chuffing cigars sat down on the table next to them. The lady was clearly distressed by this as she was coughing and spluttering and there was so much smoke that the restaurant became hazy and you couldn't see much further than 3 metres. Seeing the lady in distress Dave said "Don't worry, I'll sort this". Dave leaned back and did a huge, long, deep inhale that lasted for about 30 seconds, all of the smoke in the room went into his lungs and the room was clear. He then stepped outside and breathed it all out, when he returned to the table the girl, astonished, asked "That was amazing how did you do that?", Dave replied:
"I'm an extractor fan"
I love these "start with a punchline and work backwards" jokes
 

Dave T

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17 Dec 2017
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1,871
Our tale starts with a man called Dave. Dave is the biggest fan of tractors you've ever met. Growing up on a farm he admired the tractors, and it never went away. Now at 35 Dave has Tractor wallpaper, miniature tractors, full size tractors, clothes with tractors on, toilet roll with tractors on, and even some tractor blue movies (oo-er). Since he was a young man his mother had been pestering him, "Dave you need to stop with these tractors, go out there and find a woman and produce me some grandchildren". Although Dave loved his tractors, he'd now got to 35 and had nothing to show for it. So he finally said "alright mum". Dave sold all of his tractor paraphernalia, and hit the gym. The girl at the grocery store always smiled at him and made a lot of small talk, so Dave thought why not and asked her out, thankfully she said yes. So, Dave takes the lady out for dinner. Now this was before the smoking ban so there were a lot of people in the restaurant smoking. After they sat down for their starter a large group of men chuffing cigars sat down on the table next to them. The lady was clearly distressed by this as she was coughing and spluttering and there was so much smoke that the restaurant became hazy and you couldn't see much further than 3 metres. Seeing the lady in distress Dave said "Don't worry, I'll sort this". Dave leaned back and did a huge, long, deep inhale that lasted for about 30 seconds, all of the smoke in the room went into his lungs and the room was clear. He then stepped outside and breathed it all out, when he returned to the table the girl, astonished, asked "That was amazing how did you do that?", Dave replied:
"I'm an extractor fan"
This is a lie. I’m 37
 

Sarge

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A painter by the name of Murphy, while not really intelligent, was a
gifted portrait artist.
Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Doolin in County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.
One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude.
This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, she was willing to pay up to £10,000.
Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife.
In a few minutes he returned.
"T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said "The wife says it's okay.I'll paint ya in da nude alright, but I have to at least leave me socks on so I have somewhere to wipe me brushes"
 

bazzer9461

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6 Dec 2017
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5,083
A prostitute crossing the toad gets knocked over, a crowd gather round and she is a screaming and shouting “ I’m blind, I’m blind “ at this point a man barges through the crowd and says “ let me through I’m a doctor let me through “ when he gets to the prostitute he says “ there, there my dear “ she replies “ I’m blind, I’m blind “ “ There, there my dear I’m a doctor how many fingers am I holding up “ she replies “ f**k me im blind as well. “
 

bazzer9461

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6 Dec 2017
Messages
5,083
Fella goes to the De’s and says “ I’ve got a mole on the end of my dick “ the Dr tells him to drop his trousers and pants and the fella says “ anything you can do for me Doc “ “ Yes he say but I’m going to have to call the RSPCA
 
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