General Jokes 🃏

A teenage girl walks into the vestry in a church and asks the vicar if she can ask him a question, he says “ of course my dear, what is it? “ she says “ I have these two lumps growing on my chest “ with that the vicar started to feel and squeeze these two lumps and tweaks her nipples, “ nothing wrong there my dear it means you’re growing into a woman “ then she says “ but vicar I also have this hair growing below my belly button “ the vicar says “ take your panties off “ which she did, he then proceeded to feel with his fingers he then said “ nothing wrong there my dear “ and he dropped his trousers and pants and says “ look I also have some “ she says “ my vicar when will I get one of those? “ “ as soon as you shut the f*****g door “
 
My son is in his first proper relationship and I was trying to give him the advice about women that my dad gave me .
I said "never think you can win an argument with a woman by using logic , that never works".

"Even if you are right never prove it because she will punish you for proving her wrong and you will wish you had apologised and admitted you were wrong even when you weren't."

"And finally you can never win on a single point because women always get Historical" he said "surely you mean Hysterical" I said "no son they bring up every f*****g thing you have done wrong in your entire life".
 
I nicked this joke :):)
A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Eric"
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Eric. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Eric, every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Eric. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Eric , he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Eric, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Eric .."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Eric. He died. I'm married to his bloody widow."
 
A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whisky.
When the bartender delivers the drink, the cowboy asks,

"Where is everybody?"

The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging."
"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"
"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.
"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.
"Well," says the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."
"How bizarre," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"
"Rustling," answered the bartender.
 
Arizona bikers were riding South on the US-93 when they saw a girl about to jump off of the Hoover Dam Bridge.

So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!" While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?" So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing like a girl." It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.........
 
mate of mine just fell over a display of golf clubs in Sports soccer.
Paramedics are doing all they can but he's not out of the woods yet.
 
An oldie
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit
jump out across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the
rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal
lover, pulls over and gets out to see
what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is
the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD .

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway
sees a man crying on the side of the road
and pulls over.

She steps out of the car and asks the man
what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," ! he explains,
"I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car
and KILLED HIM."

The blonde says,"Don't worry."

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny,
bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.

The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the
two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves
again, he hops down the road another 10 feet,
turns and waves, hops another ten feet,
turns and waves, and repeats this again and again
and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.
He runs over to the woman and demands,

"What is in that can?
What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?"

The woman turns the can around
so that the man can read the label.
It says..

(Are you ready for this?)
(You know you're gonna be sorry)

(Last chance)


(OK, here it is)

It says,

"Hair Spray
Restores life to dead hair,
and adds permanent wave."

Happy Easter!! !
 
A delivery driver is nearing the end of his deliveries, but the driver has been going non stop and he pulls into a lay-by. He goes to the back of his van and lowers the tailgate and with the cushion from his cab he lays down and drifts of to sleep.

Later it was his last drop it was raining very hard and no mac to cover himself, he gets to the door and rings the bell and the door is answered by a very beautiful 20's something.lady 36 - 24 - 36 and she greets him " hello" she says " you look veery cold, wet and tired" The driver proceeds to tell her about his very long and heavy work schedule and that she is the last drop for him.

She then invites him in and says that if he wanted he could have a shower and she would wash his clothes and dry them for him.

When he's finished she has laid out a pair of fresh smelling pyjamas and a dressing gown, he puts them on and goes to her living room, he asks the lady who owned the pyjamas and dressing gown she replied that it was her useless lazy ex husband also that he was a very boring person.

The driver is is now drinking a hot cup of cocoa and the lady asks the driver a question awhen he doesn't reply she looks at him and see that he is falling asleep, the lady gently nudges the driver and offers the use of her spare bedroom of which he kindly accepts.

He climbs into a king size bed which are adorned with fresh lily smelling sheets, he drifts off to sleep.

15 minutes later he is woken but still very tired still but ould feel the naked flesh of the lady of the house and with her shallow breathing and the rising of her chest and her breasts touching his back he starts to get a bit aroused, next he feels her soft wet tongue rolling in around his earlobe this gets him very aroused indeed, next he felt her hand gently enter his fly to feel his very aroused manhood, he turned round..........

And fell of the tail board.
 
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