Paddy racing down the A34 towing a horse box got pulled by the traffic cops, what you doing they ask, taking the horses to Newbury Pasdy replies, the officers take a look and say there are no horses in the box, Paddy replies I am taking the non runners first.
During a visit to the local Mental Asylum, I asked the Director was asked how they determined whether or not a patient should be institutionalised. "Well", he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer them a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket and ask them to empty it".
'Haha!", I said. 'Obviously anyone who is "normal" would use the bucket because it's much bigger than the spoon or teacup!" "No" said the Director, "they would just pull the plug! Now do you want a bed near the wall or the window?"
A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night.
The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her
After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves. The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house.
"You owe me money," she says. "For what?" The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute."
The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money."
The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda. Look it up."
She is about to protest when the panda hands her the dictionary.
The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary, and it reads, "Panda: Eats shoots and leaves
Once there was a man with a 15 inch penis. He absolutely hated it, because it was too big for any woman to handle. Every time he tried to have sex, he ended up accidentally hurting his partner.
One day he went to the witch at the edge of town and asked her to help him make it smaller. "I cannot do that," said the witch, "But I do know the solution. In the forest by the pond, there is a magic purple toad. If you can get the toad to say 'No' to you, your penis will shrink by three inches."
The man followed the witch's advice, and went into the forest. Sure enough, by the lakeside was a large purple toad. The man thought for a moment, then walked up to the toad and said, "Hey magic toad, do you want to have sex with me?"
The toad replied with a disgusted face, "What? No!"
As promised, the man's penis shrunk to 12 inches! But it was still too big for him to be comfortable with, so he asked again, "Magic toad, please won't you have sex with me?"
The toad once again made a face and croaked, "Ew, no!" and the man's penis shrunk to 9 inches. Still, he thought that might be too big.
"6 inches should be fine," he decided, so he went to the toad once more and said, "Magic toad, I need you to have sex with me!" to which the magic toad replied,
"How many times do I have to tell you?! No! No! A thousand times no!"
As a musician, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man. And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my banjo and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin , 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself , they've lost the plot!!