General Jokes 🃏

A mate of mine has 2 tickets for the England v Belgium game on Thursday. He paid £500 each, including flights but he didn't realise when he bought them months ago that it was going to be the same day as his wedding. ?

If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.

It's at Sunderland Registry Office, at 3pm. The bride's name is Cheryl -- she's 5'7" and quite attractive.

Pm for more details.

Come on England! ??????? :)
 
The wife gave me a big hug and said "Isn't holiday sex just so much better"



To be honest, that wasn't what I was expecting her to say when I picked her up from the airport.........
 
Just had a chat with an overweight Franciscan monk who told me the meaning of life. He was a deep,fat friar.
 
I've got to go into hospital to have a mole removed from the end of my penis.


My doctor doesn't think there is anything to worry about, but the RSPCA have told me they intend to prosecute...........
 
Scientists have started an experiment which will allow human vocal cords to be grown in the laboratory.



They say the results will speak for themselves..........
 
This bloke taught his dog to play the trumpet on the underground.....he went from Barking to Tooting in ten minutes.
 
I was standing at the bar when a girl came up to me.
"Fancy buying me a drink?" She said,
"Sure," I replied. "If you let me choose."
"Okay," she grinned. "But how will you know what I want?"
"Well, it's kind of a talent," I smiled. "All I do is look a girl up and down and I know exactly what drink suits her best."
"Okay," she giggled. "You can choose for me."
So I turned to the barman and said, "Diet coke, mate."
 
The Police are bringing in road side eye tests.
That me F**ked then,when I'm driving home after 10 or 12 pints,I can hardly see the road,never mind a number plate ?
 
I can't stop watching 'Countryfile' and 'Newsround'. I mean all the time. Totally. It's a constant Craven.
 
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