JOKES

Oxymoron

Junior Member
Joined
7 Dec 2017
Messages
108
When I was younger, I used to play in a moderately successful band - we were called "The Hinges"



We used to support The Doors.....
 

Maurice Earp

Active member
Joined
6 Dec 2017
Messages
684
A man walks into a shoe store and tries on a pair of shoes.
"How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.
"Well, they feel a bit tight." replies the man.
The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the man's feet.
"Try pulling out on the tongue." offers the clerk.
"Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth." He says.
 

Maurice Earp

Active member
Joined
6 Dec 2017
Messages
684
A beautiful woman loves to garden,
but can't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.
She asks her neighbour,
"What do you do to get your tomatoes red?"
He replies,
"Twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden
and expose myself.
My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

The woman decides to do the same thing.
So twice a day for two weeks
she exposes herself to the garden.
Her neighbour asks,
"How did it go? Did you tomatoes turn red?"
"No," she replies,
"but my cucumbers are enormous."
 

Oxymoron

Junior Member
Joined
7 Dec 2017
Messages
108
I'm developing a new show for television about plane hijackings.


We've just shot the pilot.............
 

Sarge

Well-known member
2018-19 shirt sponsor for Jamie Hanson
Joined
6 Dec 2017
Messages
8,543
Q- how many Tory Brexiteers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. One to promise a brighter future, and the others to screw it up !
 

Sarge

Well-known member
2018-19 shirt sponsor for Jamie Hanson
Joined
6 Dec 2017
Messages
8,543
My mate Pete is just under 4 feet high, a lovely guy who is great company.
I bumped in him at the pub the other night, and he was telling me some funny stories about the flatbread company where he works.

I love hearing the pitta patter of tiny Pete.
 

Sarge

Well-known member
2018-19 shirt sponsor for Jamie Hanson
Joined
6 Dec 2017
Messages
8,543
Sat in a Cowley rd pub having a quiet pint woman on the next table sneezed so hard her glass eye flew out, landing in my hand.

Returned it to her, got chatting, long story short, I went back to hers and had amazing sex all night.
In the morning a bit worried she was a slapper I asked if she always had sex with men she met in the pub?
No ,she replied, only with those who catch my eye
 
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Sarge

Well-known member
2018-19 shirt sponsor for Jamie Hanson
Joined
6 Dec 2017
Messages
8,543
eBay sometimes can be brilliant, I've sold my dads homing pigeons six times on there this week
 

Sarge

Well-known member
2018-19 shirt sponsor for Jamie Hanson
Joined
6 Dec 2017
Messages
8,543
Please be advised that all employees planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs.
The assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.
Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night. While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all facility users are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks. The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that prior to shining his/her glory all around s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory
Following last year’s well publicised case, everyone is advised that legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr. R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.
While it is acknowledged that gift-bearing is commonly practised in various parts of the world, particularly the Orient, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded under provisions of the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act. Further, caution is advised regarding other common gifts, such as aromatic resins that may initiate allergic reactions.
Finally, for those involved in the recent case of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.
Wishing you a very Merry Christmas – be safe out there.......
 

Maurice Earp

Active member
Joined
6 Dec 2017
Messages
684
At this reflective time of year, several matters come to mind, amongst them, man's inhumanity to man.
As opined the poet John Donne: “Any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind; and
therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.”
The penultimate phrase was purloined by Hemingway as title for his 1940 novel of the Spanish Civil War.
It suddenly brought to mind something which has worried me for years. In 14th century Switzerland, William
Tell (he of the arrow through the apple fame) and his family were keen bowlers, but there is no record of
which team they were on.
A terrible fire razed the village archive to the ground and all records were lost.
Seems even now we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled. :giggle::giggle:
 
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