General Jokes 🃏

what do you get if you cross a jehovah's witness with a millwall fan......someone who knocks on your door and tells you to pi*s off
 
Fella comes out the pub after having a few, gets into his tractor &s**t spreader combination and heads off lurching from side to side of the narrow Wiltshire road. Eventually he's spotted by the police, duly pulled over on suspicion of drink driving and asked to provide a breath test. After fishing through his pockets he produces a doctor's certificate stating this man is asthmatic under no circumstances should he be required to engage in any activity that would result in him becoming breathless.
Police go for plan b and request him to provide a blood sample, again he fishes around in his pockets eventually producing a medical certificate signed by a specialist stating this man is a hemophiliac, under no circumstances take any blood unless in specialist conditions.
Police then go for plan c, they ask for a urine sample. Again he rummaged through his pockets, eventually producing a scrap of paper signed by Lee Power stating this man is a sw*nd*n t*wn supporter, please dont take the P**s
 
After yesterdays court appearance result, its rumoured that Ant and Dec are considering reinventing their original double act. This time as PJ and Drunken
 
Had a photo of me allegedly speeding arrive through the post..... I sent it back, it was too expensive and the quality was rubbish
 
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Pep Clotet aka Cone Man the Catalan-ian started his summer job on the A3O3 earlier today
 
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Do Brighton have some particular beef with Luton?
 
100 years ago 'everyone' owned a horse and only the rich owned a car

today, 'everyone' owns a car, and only the rich own horses

the stables have turned
 
The revival concert in Devon next week,organised by classic 60s group Bread,has been cancelled due to a disagreement between fellow 60s group Cream and the 80s mod band The Jam. Neither group could agree to go on first...
 
A group of savage women take 3 blokes and tell them they'll cut off their dicks in line with the jobs the blokes do....1st bloke states he's a lumberjack so the women say they'll chop his dick off...2nd blokes states he's a butcher so the women say they'll slice off his dick...3rd bloke stands their smiling and a woman says why are you smiling ..the bloke says i work for Dyson !
 
4 blokes going through the desert when one drops dead...the other 3 get together and decide that in order to survive they'll have to eat him..1st bloke says i'm a Liverpool fan so i'll have his Liver...2nd bloke says i'm an Hartlepool fan so i'll have his heart...3rd bloke says i'm an Arsenal fan but i aint hungry !
 
My girlfriend says she can't stand me pretending to be a detective anymore, she wants to split up.

Its a great idea, we can cover more ground that way.
 
My wife and kids are leaving me because of my obsession with Horse Racing.

They're at the gate now..........and they're off!
 
Whats the difference between a moose and the Jools Holland orchestra?

With a moose the horns are at the front and the A*****e is at the back
 
I've decided to support Nigeria at the World Cup due to an email I received this morning telling me my aunt who died there recently has left me £10 million.
 
My wife should be on the plane about now. She's not going anywhere, just taking half an inch off the kitchen door.
 
Which of Sir Arthur's knights came up with the idea of the Round Table?

Sir Cumference
 
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