JOKES

Maurice Earp

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6 Dec 2017
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858
A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair, under the table and under the table cloth but the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and totally out of sight under the tablecloth. Still, the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risque and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man:

"Pardon me sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table."

The man calmly looked up at her and said: "No, unfortunately, she just walked in."
 

Oxymoron

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7 Dec 2017
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173
The wife & I have been throwing Scrabble tiles at each other, just for a laugh.


It was all great fun until someone lost an "I".........
 

Oldham

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6 Dec 2017
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4,193
Gobby German lorry driver mouthing off in a motorway service station. “ I can leave my base in Hamburg, get across the English Channel, drop my load in Kent and be back at my base in one and a half days thanks to our superior German lorries”
Old skool English pensioner replies “that’s nothing, I used to leave my base in Kent, drop my load in Hamburg and be back at my base within seven hours”
German says” oh yeah old man, what were you driving then?”
Pensioner replies” My superior English Lancaster Bomber!”
 

Sarge

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10,732
Breaking news ....club shop will be taking delivery of OUFC lamps in November .... Im told these lamps will look really good in the middle of the table


(here hoping)
 

Cass63

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Joined
21 Dec 2017
Messages
326
A man walks in to a sperm donor clinic for the first time, the nurse says to him ‘can you masturbate in the cup for me please’, fuckin hell says the man, I know I’m good but I’m not ready for a competition yet.
 

Maurice Earp

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Joined
6 Dec 2017
Messages
858
An old tired-looking dog wanders into a guy's yard. He examines the dog's collar and feels his well-fed belly and knows the dog has a home.
The dog follows him into the house, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep. The man thinks its rather odd but lets him sleep. After about an hour the dog wakes up, walks to the door and the guy lets him out. The dog wags his tail and leaves.
The next day the dog comes back and scratches at the door. The guy opens the door, the dog comes in, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep again. The man lets him sleep. After about an hour the dog wakes up, walks to the door and the guy lets him out. The dog wags his tail and leaves.
This goes on for days. The guy grows really curious, so he pins a note on the dog's collar: "Your dog has been taking a nap at my house every day."
The next day the dog arrives with another note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'
 

Maurice Earp

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6 Dec 2017
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858
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of pounds for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten pounds and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."
 

Maurice Earp

Active member
Joined
6 Dec 2017
Messages
858
A Vicar goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first
Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.
The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following
Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.

The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and
They asked him what happened.

TheVicar explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't
talk for more than 8 minutes.

The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes.

But, the third Sunday, he put his Wife's' teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up...
 

Oxford Aesthete

Junior Member
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7 Jan 2018
Messages
107
I saw my mate in the pub last night who has a serious stammer, he started telling us a story about his nan, five minutes in and the whole place was singing Hey Jude
 

mariokempes

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9 Dec 2017
Messages
177
Is the guy known as donkey ?
Theres a guy in my local most people call donkey. Some bloke said to him that's not very nice calling you donkey. He said HE HAW HE HAW HE Always calls me donkey
 

Maurice Earp

Active member
Joined
6 Dec 2017
Messages
858
A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client.

"Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "You know, I've had an awful day, Jack; so let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between $15 and $20 million ... and I think she could be right."

Saul replied enthusiastically, "Holy cow! Well done! My wife is a brilliant business woman, isn't she? You've just made my day. Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The lawyer replied, “The pictures are of you and your secretary."
 

Maurice Earp

Active member
Joined
6 Dec 2017
Messages
858
While visiting the United Kingdom , Winnie Mandela was invited to a
cocktail party which was Also to be attended by Margaret Thatcher.
When Winnie saw the ex-prime minister on the other side of the room,
she barged past Everyone, spilling the drinks of several invited guests on
the way.
Winnie elbowed her way to Maggie, stood brazenly in front of her and
declared, "I hear they Call you the Iron Lady!"
"I have been referred to by that name, yes," replied Maggie, peering
down her nose at this impudent upstart
"And whom, may I enquire, do I have the honour of addressing?" asked
Maggie icily.
"I am the iron lady of South Africa!" bragged Winnie, waving her fist in
the air.
"Oh, yes," replied Maggie dryly. "And for whom do you iron?"
 

Maurice Earp

Active member
Joined
6 Dec 2017
Messages
858
Recently after shopping in our local supermarket, I was in the queue at the Check Out, and heard when the young cashier suggested to the much older lady that s...he should bring her own grocery bags, because plastic bags are not good for the environment.
The woman apologised to the young girl & then sighed, "We didn't have this 'green thing' back in my earlier days."
The young clerk responded, "That's our problem today. You folk didn't do enough to save our environment for future generations."
The older lady said "Ahh yes you're right -- our generation didn't have the "green thing" in its day." She sighed then continued:
Back then, we returned milk bottles, lemonade bottles & beer bottles to the shops. The shops then sent them back to the plant to be washed, sterilized & refilled, so those same bottles were used over & over, thus REALLY were recycled. But we didn't have the "green thing" back in our day.
rocery stores put our groceries into brown paper bags that we reused for numerous things. Most memorable was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our school books. This was to ensure that public property (the books provided for our use by the school) were not defaced by our scribblings. Then we were able to personalize our books on their brown paper bag/covers. But, too bad we didn't do the "green thing" back then.
I remember how we walked up stairs because we didn't have an escalator in every shop or office building; walked to the grocery shop & didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go 200 yards.
. . . But she was right. We didn't have the "green thing" in our day.
Back then we washed the baby's nappies because we didn't have the throw away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts. Wind & solar power really did dry our clothes back in our days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. . . . But that young lady is right; we didn't have the "green thing" back in our day.
Back then we had one radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And if anyone did own a TV, it had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of a football pitch. When cooking we blended & stirred by hand coz we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send by post, we used layers of old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn petrol just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity., , , , But she's right; we didn't have the "green thing" back then.
We drank from a tap or fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, & we replaced the razor blade in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. But we didn't have the "green thing" back then. Back then, people took the bus & kids rode bikes to school or walked instead of turning their mothers into a 24-hour taxi service in the family's expensive car or van, which cost what a whole house did before the "green thing"..
Oh and we had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerised gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest leisure park.
. . . . But it so sad this current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the "green thing" back then? . . . I think you should forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from some smart ass young person. .. ...
We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to P**s us off... Especially from a tattooed, multiple pierced smart ass who can't work out the change without the till telling them how much.
 
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