General Jokes 🃏

A king, a bishop and a knight walk into a bar.

The barman says to the king "I can't serve those two mate. They can't walk straight."
 
Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair after arriving in a hotel in Manchester went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.

The barman said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary."

Taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.
"We do try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "We have the cheapest beer in England".
"That is remarkable value", Michael comments.
"I see you don't have a glass, you'll need one of ours. That will be £3 please."
O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.
"Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra £2. If you'd pre-booked it would have cost £1."
O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up.
"I see you've brought your laptop" added the barman. "That wasn't pre-booked either, that's another £3."
O'Leary was so incensed and his face was red with rage.
"I've had enough! I insist on speaking to a manager!"
"Here is his e-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00 am and 9.01am every morning, Monday to Tuesday. Calls are free, unless answered, then there is a charge of only £1 per second".
"I will never use this bar again".
"OK but do remember, we are the only hotel in England selling pints for £1."
 
Psychic buying clothes....

Employee: How about this one?

Psychic: That shirt is too small

Employee: You didn't even try it on

Psychic: I'm a medium
 
I sold my house the other day,
The council went bloody mad!
 
2 dogs walking down the road and one says to the other "when you get your leg over with a bitch do you wear a rubber?" the othe dog replies "Durex" "P**s off I asked you first"
 
An independent electrical goods outlet in Oxford has a special offer on 60 inch large screen wireless TV sets ideal to watch next seasons PL games

of course, being wireless those Tv sets come without Leeds
 
the missus was feeling a bit adventurous after a bottle of wine last night, she suggested we had sex the Liverpool way

Hadnt heard of it before so I asked her what she meant?

her reply to explain was 'its fairly simple, you stay on top for ages, then come 2nd'
 
A man was sitting at a bar one day when a pirate walked in. The pirate had a wooden leg, a hook for one hand, and a patch over one eye.
Feeling sorry for the pirate, the man said, "Come over here, my friend. You look as though you've had a tough life and I'd like to buy you a drink."
The pirate gladly went over to the man who ordered him a rum.
Then the man asked the pirate, "I'm curious, how did you lose your leg?"
"Arrrgh!" said the pirate, "I lost that timber to a tiger shark in the Caribbean when I was thrown overboard for stealing a man's rum."
"Wow, that's awful!" said the man. "And tell me, how did you lose your hand?"
"Arrrgh!" replied the pirate, "I lost that fighting cannibals on a treasure island."
"Oh my word!" the man said, "How awful! And tell me, how did you lose your eye?"
The pirate said, "Arrrgh! A seagull pooped in it!"
"A seagull!" The man was surprised. He asked, "Is seagull poop dangerous?!"
The pirate said, "Nay, matey, it was me first day with the hook."
 
Towards the end of the golf course, Andy hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden . . .POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, “I’m Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won’t have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won’t have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life…As a matter of fact, you’ll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!” Then POOF! … She was gone!

After Ady recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, “Fred, where are you?”
Fred yells back, “I’m over here in the pussy willows.”
Andy shouts back, “Don’t swing, Fred, for the love of god, don’t swing!”
 
A chap had gone to Hong Kong for a few weeks and after a couple of weeks the chap seeing all these sweet Japanese women he decided to go to a Geisha house. Upon entering he is greeted by this very attractive Geisha who took his money and led him to this room, then the Geisha left and the chap was feeling a bit dejected as he thought the Geisha was the one.
A couple of minutes later a door opened and a Geisha walked in and she was twice as ateacrive as the first Geisha he saw.
She proceed to undress him and then herself and laid on the bed, the chap in his prime was so excited he payed onto of her and was riding for Britain, he looked at the Geisha and with a little tear in the corner of her eye she was saying with a crescendo in her voice “ Nakahi, Nakahi “ and the chap was thinking to himself she is loving it “ Nakahi, Nakahi “.

2 weeks later the chap returned to Britain and went to play a round of golf, when he got there his local vicar was also waiting to play and asked the chap for a game and the chap said yes.

At the 6 th hole the vicar asked the chap where he had been as he hadn’t seen him for a few weeks the chap hit his bal onto the green “ Japan” replies the chap, the vicar took his shot and it to landed on the green about 18 yards from the holeAs the chap was readying his shot the Vicar asked if he had learned icy from his trip and the chap said yes then hit his shot which sailed passed the hole by a couple of feet.

The vicar then asked if he had learned any words in Japan and the chap said “ one or two” the vicar then was utter his 18 yard shot straight gut down the hole “ Nakahi. Nakahi” said the chap “ what do you mean wrong hole” asked the vicar
 
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