General Jokes 🃏

So, the elven lady was entertaining her human lover with the forbidden arts of sensual Fey...​

(hey, all those subraces gotta come from somewhere...), when she heard her elven husband return from a hard day at the tree mines. Quickly, she ushered the human into a secret door in the wall of her bed chamber. Her husband came up the stairs, and said, "Hello, my forest blossom," before getting into bed and going into Trance. The lady was petrified, certain that her husband would notice the secret door and discover her lover crouched behind it. Miraculously, he didn't.
The next day, the same thing happened; she hid her lover as her husband returned, and he somehow failed to spot the secret door.
After a few days, she began to grow jealous. It was impossible that he could not see the secret door after passing by it so many times, so she began to think he didn't care she was having an affair. She decided to test whether he was still in love with her enough to be enraged at her infidelity.
The next day, as her husband lay down to go into Trance, she leaped up and rushed to the secret door, throwing it open and revealing the alarmed, guilty-looking man hiding there. "So! What do you think of that!" she cried.

Her husband nearly jumped out of his boots in shock, and said: "I'm sorry, my love! He meant nothing to me, I swear!"
 

A dwarf is on a ship, and for entertainment, a low-level wizard starts to do some magic tricks.​

First, he makes a coin disappear. " It's up his sleeve, It's up his sleeve," the dwarf yells.

The wizard simply ignores the dwarf and suddenly pulls a rabbit out of thin air.

"It was in his robes the whole time, I saw it earlier, what a fake," the dwarf yells.

The wizard gets a little angry and announces, "For my final act, I will perform the greatest magic feat you have ever seen." With that, the wizard starts to chant, and all of a sudden, by mere chance the ship is struck by lightning and is destroyed.

The only two survivors are the wizard and the dwarf floating on a wooden door. For two days the dwarf and the wizard simply stare at each other, when finally the dwarf says., "OK, you win, what did you do with the boat?"
 
An old man enters the confession booth. The priest asks him if he has anything to confess.
The old man says, “Last night I went to a bar and two 18-year-old girls took me to their place.
It was a night of debauchery like I’ve never experienced before.”
The priest says “Go and say seven Hail Marys and splash yourself with some Holy Water.”
The old man says, “I’m not Catholic”
The Priest, very confused, asks, “Then why are you telling me?”
The old man says, “I’m 80 years old. I’m telling f*cking EVERYONE”
 
Just been released on bail after getting arrested at a gender reveal party last night.


How was I supposed to know it was just about the baby......
 
A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.
He saw a lady playing ahead of him.
He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request.
She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th."
Once again he thanked her. He finished his round and went into the clubhouse and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar.
He went up to her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help."
He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did.
She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold. She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."
"No, I wouldn't," he said.
She said, "I sell tampons." With that, he fell on the floor laughing so hard. She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!"
 

Juan was the best oyster diver in his small seaside village…​

One day he found an injured sea otter and nursed it back to health.​

From the moment the grateful otter was able to walk, it never left Juan’s side…​

It even learned to dive for oysters and to bring his catch back to Juan.​

Their combined oyster harvest was so successful that he developed a reputation all along the coast…​

One day, a man arrived at Juan’s house looking to hire him for a week.​

His wife answered the door, “Sure,” said his wife, “It will cost you $500.”​

“That much?” replied the prospective client.​

“But you’re getting my husband and his otter,” explained his wife, “They can harvest more oysters than anyone else in town.”​

“I just want Juan,” the man countered, “I’ll hire him alone for $350.”​

“Sorry,” she shrugged…​

“You cannot have Juan without the otter.”​

 
Maurice's inability to copy and paste jokes from somewhere else without working out how to change the format to standard text, as opposed to oversized and bold.
 
Emilio said:
Maurice's inability to copy and paste jokes from somewhere else without working out how to change the format to standard text, as opposed to oversized and bold.
Click to expand...
I really don't have time to mess about with font size, bold and colour. Either you put up with or I don't post at all. AND yes, I do know how to use bold, colour and font size.
 
Three doctors, with a growing private practice, decide to hire a new nurse onto their staff to meet their needs…
They hire a very qualified applicant named Beth and meet after a week to discuss the new nurse’s abilities in her new role.
The first doctor says, “Well, she does a really good job with the patients, but I’m concerned Beth is mixing things up a bit…
I told her that her shift was from 7 AM to 5 PM and she showed up at 5 AM the next day.”
The second doctor chimes in, “I have had some similar issues…
I told Beth to tell the patient they needed to take one antibiotic every 6 hours and she told them they needed to take 6 every one hour.”
The third doctor looks shocked, “I have had absolutely no issues so far.”
Suddenly, the three doctors hear a blood-curdling scream coming from the next room.
“Oh,” says the third doctor, “I see what you mean…
I just asked Beth to prick the boil on the patient in the next room.”
 
Couple of men chatting at the bar in a Yorkshire working men's club. One asks 'what do you think of the comedian?' The other replies 'well I suppose he's ok if you like laughing'.
 
For Sale
George Foreman Grill
Muhammad Ali Greatest Knockdowns DVD

Both boxed
 
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