General Jokes 🃏

My mate and I had a proper result on Ebay earlier. I got hold of a signed photo of Ronnie Corbett, while my mate won a bid on a signed photo of Ronnie Barker.
It was a good buy from me and a good buy from him.
 
I ordered Chinese food yesterday. Small Chinese delivery driver comes to the door, so I walked out to meet him.
He started shouting "isolate, isolate." I said no you're not I only ordered 25 minutes ago
 
I phoned a Chinese takeaway last night and the man said, "hello I'm whan king the chef"

I said,no worries,"I'll call back later"
 
My neighbour’s are constantly lecturing me about green matters and how we must all do our bit for the planet, but they've just given me absolute pelters because last night I unplugged their electric cars that no one was using.....
 
A Swindon fan is in a shipwreck and gets washed up on a desert island. There's no sign of human occupation, just a few sheep and a collie dog for company.

After a few days the Swindon fan starts to feel a little frisky and starts eyeing up the sheep, but the dog's instincts kick in and it won't let him anywhere near them. He tries every day for what seems like months, but the collie steadfastly guards the flock.

Then one morning he sees a young woman floundering in the surf. He wades out to reach her and drags her onto the beach. "Oh thank the Lord" she gasps "Our boat struck a rock and sank. Without your help, I would have drowned. What can I do to repay you?"

The Swindon fan says "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk....."
 
It's hard to believe but last week, someone stole all the grips from the climbing wall at the local park.

You can't make it up....
 
Gerwyn Price is not as tall as Alan Price but weighs more than Katie Price.

I just love using price comparison sites...
 
I memorised six pages of the dictionary; I learned next to nothing.....
 
Just had a call from my mate who owns a recording studio. He wanted to know if I could help out in making one of those "Caution - this vehicle is reversing" tracks that HGV's use nowadays.

I'll be doing the backing vocals......
 
Couple of items I've up for sale. A George Foreman Grill and a DVD of Muhammad Ali's famous fights. In good condition. Both boxed.
 
4 people go to an interview. The lady interviewer said I’m going to ask each of you the same question and which one of you gives me the best answer gets the job. She asks the first person “what is the quickest thing you know”, pausing for a while he replied “ thought is the quickest thing. When a thought enters you mind”. “Excellent” said the interviewer, she then asked the second person the same question and he replied “blinking is the fastest thing I and think of”. “Excellent” said the interview “blinking is really fast. She then asked the third person the same question, after a while he said “ my father lives on a farm and when he pushes a switch at his back door the barn light comes on 100ft away.”wow” said the interviewer “the speed of light amazing answer”. She was now thinking she had the man for the job.She then asked the fourth man the same question. “Diarrhoea” the man said,”yuck” said the interviewer “why-do you think that”. “Well” said the man “ the other day I had a bad stomach and before I could think, blink or turn the light on I’d s**t myself”.
 
My wife should be on the plane by now. She's not going anywhere, just taking a few inches off the kitchen door..
 
A man and his Wife and his Mother in law go on holiday to Israel. 3 days into the holiday the Mother in Law dies, they go to an Undertakers and he says we can fly your mother in Law home for 5,000 pounds or she could be buried here in the holy land for 150 pounds. The husband goes for a walk to contemplate this offer. when he returns the Undertaker asks " what have yore decided? " the Husband replies " we will fly her home thank you. " The Undertaker asks why pay 5,000 pounds to fly her home when she could be buried here in the most holiest place for a small price? " The Husband replies " 2,000 years ago a man died here and three days later and well I can't take the chance "
 
After my operation, the surgeon informed me that things hadn't gone as planned and there were complications.


My heart was in my mouth.......
 
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
 
oufc1991 said:
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
Click to expand...
You could probably carbon date that joke.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top Bottom