General Jokes 🃏

I felt so bad after last night's defeat that I called the depression helpline.




The lines were down........
 
Two men from Swindon were working at the sawmill and one guy got too close to the saw and cut his ear off. It fell in the sawdust pit so he jumped
down into the pit and was hunting around trying to find it.

The second guy saw him and hollered down: “What’re you doing?”

The first man said that he had cut off his ear and was looking for it.

The second guy said he would help out and jumped in the pit.

He was searching around on his hands and knees and then hollered: “I found it!”

The first guy took it and examined it closely, then said: “Keep looking.

Mine had a pencil behind it.”
 
Swindon Mums Letter

Dear Son, I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left.

Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved.

Won't be able to send you the address as the last Swindon family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain, and haven't seen 'em since.

It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle???

Your Uncle John fell in the whisky vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned.

We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup.

One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety.

The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tailgate down.

Not much more news this time.

Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

Love, Mum
 
Phone rang the the other night & the voice the other end said
" Im the dandy highwayman who you're to scared to mention,
I spend my cash on looking flash and grabbing your attention"
I tried to tell him he had the wrong number
but he was adamant
 
I've entered a competition to win the entire ABBA back catalogue.

There's no second prize, the winner takes it all........
 
when I was a baby my parents used to bath me in cheap Australian lager

it wasn't until I reached my teens that I realised I'd been fostered
 
Sarge said:
when I was a baby my parents used to bath me in cheap Australian lager

it wasn't until I reached my teens that I realised I'd been fostered
Click to expand...
I hate parents who don't give a XXXX.
 
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