General Jokes 🃏
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Notaswindonfan
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Get your coat
Sarge
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I once hired a limo but when it arrived, the guy driving it walked off! I said “Excuse me? Are you not going to drive me?” The guy told me that the price didn’t include a driver
.... so I spent £400 on a limo and have nothing to chauffeur it!
.... so I spent £400 on a limo and have nothing to chauffeur it!
bazzer9461
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mooro
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.....and the winner is.....
Father's Day: Thousands of 'funny' fathers submitted their best dad joke. This was the winner
The world's best dad joke can be revealed after thousands of "funny" fathers battled it out in a competition that was no laughing matter. More than 2,700 gag-loving dads submitted their very best - or worst - jokes in celebration of Father's Day. #BestDadJokes was trending on Twitter as...
bazzer9461
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A doctor's toilet was blocked so he rang the plumber. The plumber said "It's early hours of the morning can't it wait?" The doc said "If you were ill I'd have to come out".
The plumber said "Fair enough" and called at the docs.
He lifted the toilet seat and threw in two paracetamol and said "Give it a few days and if it's still the same give me a call"
The plumber said "Fair enough" and called at the docs.
He lifted the toilet seat and threw in two paracetamol and said "Give it a few days and if it's still the same give me a call"
bazzer9461
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bazzer9461
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When I was about 9 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a friend of his, someone who I didn't even know.
When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to pass.
Then a man approached me and said, 'Enjoy life kid, be happy because time flies.
Then he passed his hand over my head and left.
My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to the dead person.
When I looked in the coffin, I was horrified to see that the man in the coffin was the same man who had just spoken to me!
I was so traumatized I couldn't sleep properly.
I had terrible nightmares. I was terrified of being alone.
I couldn't sleep without a night light for many
years.
I saw many psychologists, endured much turmoil throughout my adolescent years.
It got better as I aged, but I would still occasionally wake up screaming in fear.
Years later, I discovered something incredible that changed my life.
The dead bastard had a twin!
When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to pass.
Then a man approached me and said, 'Enjoy life kid, be happy because time flies.
Then he passed his hand over my head and left.
My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to the dead person.
When I looked in the coffin, I was horrified to see that the man in the coffin was the same man who had just spoken to me!
I was so traumatized I couldn't sleep properly.
I had terrible nightmares. I was terrified of being alone.
I couldn't sleep without a night light for many
years.
I saw many psychologists, endured much turmoil throughout my adolescent years.
It got better as I aged, but I would still occasionally wake up screaming in fear.
Years later, I discovered something incredible that changed my life.
The dead bastard had a twin!
bazzer9461
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I know that serious matters as this are probably frowned on,but I am reaching out for an answer. My wife left a day and a half ago for a pack of cigarettes for herself and a loaf of bread. She has not returned as of yet. I'm asking, no I'm begging if anyone can help me with this one question, Should I go and get a loaf of bread or not???
bazzer9461
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Maurice Earp
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A cowboy walks into a seedy old cafe in Wyoming.
He sat at the counter and noticed an old cowboy sitting with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of meaty chilli.
After a few minutes of just watching him staring at the chilli, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke ,"If you
ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do"?.
The older cowboy slowly turns his head towards the Young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "nah you go ahead".
Eagerly the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight, he gets nearly
down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli.
The sight was very shocking and he immediately barfed the chilli back up into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says "yep that's as far as I got too
He sat at the counter and noticed an old cowboy sitting with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of meaty chilli.
After a few minutes of just watching him staring at the chilli, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke ,"If you
ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do"?.
The older cowboy slowly turns his head towards the Young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "nah you go ahead".
Eagerly the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight, he gets nearly
down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli.
The sight was very shocking and he immediately barfed the chilli back up into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says "yep that's as far as I got too
bazzer9461
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Did you know the father of Danny Wellbeck, Stan, is a bomb disposal expert…….
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As Basil would say... KABOOM!
bazzer9461
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If Football is coming home then can I ask where it's coming from and will it have to isolate for 14 days when it gets here? Asking for a friend. 
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