General Jokes 🃏

A widow goes on her first date since her husband's death, and afterward the two end up back at her place. Once in the bedroom, she takes off everything but her black panties."You can touch me anywhere else," she says, "but down there I'm still mourning."
"I figured as much," says the man. He then proceeds to pull down his pants and put on a black condom. "If you don't mind, I'd like to offer my deepest condolences."
 
An undercover cop called at my farm in the sticks yesterday evening...
“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said.
“By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied.
The cop exploded, saying “Do you know who the f**k I am?! I have the authority of the government with me!”, he shouted before pulling a badge out of his back pocket, “Do you see this f*****g badge?! This badge means I can do what I want and I’ll go wherever the f**k I want, have I made myself clear?!”
I nodded politely, apologised, and went about my work. A short while later, I hear loud screams, looked up and saw the cop running for his life being chased by my angry bull. With each step, the bull was gaining ground and he seemed sure to be gored before he reached safety. The officer looked terrified and continued to run for his life.
I threw down my tools, immediately ran to the edge of the fence and shouted at the top of my lungs,
“Your badge, show him your f*****g badge!”
 
Mary comes home excitedly one night,
“Paddy”she shouts, “get yer’ a**e upstairs for Oi have something called 69 for us to try.”
Paddy had never heard of such a thing but he runs upstairs and jumps on the bed. Soon they are naked and Mary gets on top of him. She lowers herself down onto his face but as she does, she farts. She tries again but farts again.
At this, Paddy jumps up and storms out yelling “I’ll be fucked if I’m hanging around for 67 more of them!”
 
Had some weird call from "BT" ring up to say that they wanted to improve our homes service so I told him that he was calling a business not a household. He replied "I know that's what I meant to say".
I told him that we were a sex shop specialising in Dildo's, Strapo ons and fruity lube and that out new 12" black dildo was currently on offer and he called me disgusting and hung up :ROFLMAO: Grandma nearly choked on her tea.
 
A badly beaten up man goes to the doctors, the doc asked him what had happened...

Man: I was banging my neighbor over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said:" It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!".
Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.
 
A Cornish joke!

An American photographer on holiday was inside a church in Plymouth taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '£10,000 per call'
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Exeter... There, in the Cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Plymouth and he asked a nearby Vicar what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 he could talk to God.
'O.K., thank you ma’am,' said the American.
He then travelled to Torquay, Paignton, Exmouth, Tiverton and Brixham. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '£10,000 per call' sign under it. The American, upon leaving Devon decided to travel to Cornwall to see if the Cornish had the same phone.
He arrived in Truro, and again, in the Cathedral, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '50 pence per call.'
The American was surprised so he asked the Bishop about the sign. 'Bishop, I've travelled all over Devon and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in Devon the price was £10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?'
The Bishop smiled and answered, 'You're in Cornwall now my son. It's a local call”.
 
Last night on the way back home from the pub I saw a scruffy old homeless guy sitting on a bench. So I tried to share a kebab with him but he told me to f**k off and buy my own.
 
cant win these (PC) days!
did the gentleman type thing and held a door open for a young lady
she was far from appreciative, instead she shouted " why dont you f**k off
I'm trying to have a s**t"
 
my local pub is a mere 5 minute walk away

yet its a 55 minute walk back

the difference is really staggering!
 
Barmaid in my local pub has had her nipple pierced

Im really rubbish at darts
 
If you have a satnav that has celebrity voices as options

avoid Bono from U2 at all costs

or you'll find that, the streets have no name, and you still won't find what you're looking for
 
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