National News Suicide- why are so many of our young men deciding to end there lives ?

[LowerSouth]

I recently went to a funeral for a 30 year old man.
An estranged father of three young children.
Since leaving school he had held down several jobs, married and generally blended into society.He did however struggle for many years with alcohol addiction, which for the last couple of years led him to homelessness, sofa surfing and living in hostels in Oxford.
He was recently allocated a new 1 bed property and the future held some hope, but unfortunately,despite family support, he felt isolated and alone .
His story, although complicated by addiction,is not uncommon.
Seemingly happy young men, do not feel able to share there feelings of despair and desperation.
This tune was played at the funeral.
The words and sentiment are both poignant and powerful “Would anyone care “

 

[chuckbert]

That's an awfully sad tale. There seem to be so many aspects to this problem. From my personal experience and perspective it looks like there are (at least) two important aspects. One is that we don't provide a framework in society for men to have intrinsic self-esteem: there are too many ways to "fail". Apparent success is being a fanny-magnet, or making a packet, or being someone others are scared of. Real success is being emotionally stable, modest, reliable, useful and effective. At many times in life you will be flakey, vulnerable and confused, and that is when you need that basis of good self-esteem. This is where the second aspect comes in - alcohol. It can really screw up the second group of attributes, and might in some ways seem to help the first group. When you are young it can help you "be yourself" and escape your limitations, but it can too easily "become you". Losing your emotional stability and escaping your problems by using an addictive depressant is really harmful. I've basically had to give up drinking in my late 40s because of the effect on my mood. More cases of being unreasonably outspoken after a few, and more cases of negative emotions in the days after. And my life is set up about as well as I could hope and I have strong self-esteem. I think if my reaction to alcohol was piled on top of a destabilised home life, career hiccups and a rapidly changing society it would be problematic.

If anyone is feeling bad, please ask for help - in Oz we have https://www.beyondblue.org.au/ which have many resources - and the UK has things like https://www.supportline.org.uk/.

Things you can do right now under your own control which can help you feel better (even though it doesn't always seem like it!) are tidy your house/room, give alcohol a swerve, do some exercise, get out into nature. And talk to someone.

 

[Essexyellows]

That's an awfully sad tale.

Things you can do right now under your own control which can help you feel better (even though it doesn't always seem like it!) are tidy your house/room, give alcohol a swerve, do some exercise, get out into nature. And talk to someone.

This!

In the UK its as easy as text SHOUT to 85258 for help.

You`ll get a response from a non-judgemental, independent councillor that will build into a conversation.

 

[OUFCGav]

There are lots of reasons: isolation, work issues, alcohol, family issues, health issues, gambling, etc etc etc - but one of the leading things for men (in UK male suicide is 3x more frequent than women) is not talking about things that effect you and not seeking help. So at the very least "DON'T man up" - talk to someone - friends (they will often surprise you), family, or anonymous 3rd party help such as those listed above and below.

Other excellent help available at:
Andy's Man Club - www.andysmanclub.co.uk
Papyrus Prevention of Young Suicide - www.papyrus-uk.org Phone: 0800 068 41 41 Text: 07860039967
The Campaign Against Living Miserably - https://www.thecalmzone.net/
Men's Health Forum - www.menshealthforum.org.uk -
Shout - www.giveusashout.org/ - Text 85258
Samaritans - www.samaritans.org - phone (24hr) 116 123
and a couple that OUFC have worked with PubTalk - https://www.pubtalk.life/ and Young Minds - https://www.youngminds.org.uk/

 

[bashamwonderland]

Existentially the whole purpose of being "a man" is changing, and for the first time in some 200,000 years of evolution our role is being redefined. The practical impact of that, especially in a world which is now so detached from natural reality, is that people are getting lost and finding it harder to unlock real meaning.

Couple with that the fact that we no longer have:

I. The idea that God will deliver an ultimate prize for remaining true, pushing through the torment and holding strong, and

II. Certainty that we can leave the world a better place than we found it for our children (indeed we are now being told having children might be detrimental for the Earth)

and you're left with an absolute lack of meaning.

I think as human males (and probably for females too) we might not truly understand or be conscious of these factors, but ultimately they play themselves out subconsciously in our behaviour and psyche.

With respect, it would be very convenient if the answer was as simple as "just be vulnerable you don't have to "man up"", but if that was really the answer male suicide would be a thing of the past.

 

[chuckbert]

With respect, it would be very convenient if the answer was as simple as "just be vulnerable you don't have to "man up"", but if that was really the answer male suicide would be a thing of the past.

It’s not simple because society has to do better, not the individual.

 

[bashamwonderland]

It’s not simple because society has to do better, not the individual.

Yep.

 

[Jolteon]

As a man who has attempted suicide... There are a number of things that men especially have to deal with that means that the leading cause of death for young males is suicide.

However the one that always gets on my f*****g nerves the most is the two words "man up". During the worst of my depression my at the time girlfriend (who thankfully I have zero contact with now) would say those words to me whenever I was hurt, upset or generally feeling a bit down.

There's this horrifically toxic expectation on men that they're supposed to always be strong, stoic and brave. They must provide for their wife and family, and never show emotion. It's incredibly prevalent in the older generation of men still, and by proxy that's passed down to the younger generation. It doesn't seem much, but a lot of men feel it is their duty to never share their emotion and stay strong and that absolutely eats you up inside and causes a horrific spiral.

And in a weird way I think the fantastic changes in attitude towards women and their position in the world has contributed too. Women are now able to provide and achieve far more than they were a few decades ago, which is obviously brilliant, but the expectations of men have not changed in that time. There's a big feeling of inadequacy and feeling like you're not needed because you're expected to provide and often nowadays can't provide any more than a woman can herself. Before COVID I worked with my partner and she was above me in the business we worked at and earned more. She paid the rent and had more responsibility than I did and it has to be said it felt like I was failing in my responsibility as a man.

As men we absolutely suck at talking. We bottle up emotions, we try and stay strong and allow it to eat us up. The best thing I ever did was start to open up. My closest friend and I, both men who struggle to talk about their problems with their wives, will come to each other for advice and support whenever we need it and both of us have had significantly better mental health ever since. Just being able to talk about how we feel and what's bothering us with someone else makes it so much easier to get clarity and see a path forward to feeling and doing better.

Whatever you're feeling lads, talk about it to someone. Over a pint with a friend, on a lazy Sunday with your wife, over text or phone call with a professional using one of the brilliant places others have listed - just don't bottle it up. We have emotions too and it's about damn time we were able to talk about them without judgement. And hopefully the more we show it, the more society will catch up and stop treating us like robots.

 

[Essexyellows]

Its also worthy of note to ask your mates if they are OK.

Not in the typical "blokey way" we all do, but actually listening and, if you sense something isn`t right, teasing out the conversation.

Sometimes there isn`t anything wrong but, now and then, you might just catch the straw that would have broken the camels back.

That`s where social situations, like going to the football and meeting friends, are often an easier places to start the conversation.

 

[werthersoriginal]

Its also worthy of note to ask your mates if they are OK.

Not in the typical "blokey way" we all do, but actually listening and, if you sense something isn`t right, teasing out the conversation.

Sometimes there isn`t anything wrong but, now and then, you might just catch the straw that would have broken the camels back.

That`s where social situations, like going to the football and meeting friends, are often an easier places to start the conversation.

Football is a great place for that - a little bit of serious chat then a few laughs, even if the team messes up again. Most guys aren’t comfortable with long chats about their feelings, and may not want them, but just bringing up an issue and discussing quite briefly can really help.

 

[RyanioBirdio]

Last year I lost my best friend, my brother and my grandmother (who practically raised me and who I in turn cared for a lot in her final years), in the space of five months, and almost lost my father a week after my brother died for good measure. On top of the things that weigh all of us down universally and make us feel pretty hopeless at times. I wasn’t ever suicidal but I would certainly say that I completely lost touch with my own thoughts and feelings at times, and pretty much detached from the world in some sort of ‘pressure switch’ reaction to what had gone on. It could very easily have gone another way, and for all too many men (especially those my age) it does. It’s a massive problem.

Probably the worst part, and I would say that it’s still the case now to be honest, is that nobody really asked me how I was in a meaningful fashion. I had a few people check in occasionally, but well over 90% of people sent me “let me know if you need anything” type messages and kind of left me to it. I think it’s very easy to put the onus on people who are already struggling to reach out in order to tell ourselves that we’re ticking the box, and I say that as somebody who has been guilty of doing that myself in the past, and had to make a conscious effort to get better at it over time. If somebody is in a very dark or difficult place, it can be a bit of a cop out to approach things like that, and to dust your hands off.

It isn’t always possible to know what’s going on in somebody’s head and there are limits to what we can do at times, we are only human at the end of the day, but I think us chaps in particular aren’t always very good at seeing what’s in front of us, or even taking the time to look properly to begin with. Combine that with there still being a very real stigma in terms of asking for help or support and it can be a tough world to navigate on a bad day.

It’s always incredibly sad to hear of a person who has taken their own life. It always feels preventable somehow, I suppose.