Local News The Oxford Fail, a parody….

[stokeu]

Or is it?

Your chance to make @chuckbert’s dreams come true and help him publish a pretend newspaper (like the Daily Star I guess but not so actual paper intensive)


DIDCOT NAMED UK CITY OF CULTURE 2029
“From Power Station to Powerhouse of the Arts”

DIDCOT, OXFORDSHIRE — September 1, 2025

In a move that has baffled critics, delighted locals, and caused at least one BBC arts correspondent to resign in protest, Didcot has been named the UK City of Culture 2029.

The former railway hub and roundabout connoisseur’s paradise beat out stiff competition from Hull again (they just really want another go), Milton Keynes (still trying), and Slough (somehow worse than ever) to clinch the coveted title.

“We Knew This Day Would Come,” Says Literally No One​

Culture Secretary Faye Gallery-Foyntz made the announcement during a live press conference at the Didcot Civic Hall, standing in front of a mural titled “Industrial Elegance: A History of Beige.”

“Didcot represents the very soul of Britain — roundabouts, business parks, and an unshakeable ability to be near Oxford but definitely not Oxford,” she said. “Its cultural offering is... certainly present.”

A Cultural Revolution… Pending Planning Permission​

Didcot’s bid centred on its rich tapestry of attractions, including:

• The Didcot Railway Centre, where visitors can enjoy the UK's only surviving collection of trains that don’t actually go anywhere.
• The Orchard Centre, a retail experience so thrilling it has a Costa and a Boots.
• The iconic cooling towers, which were demolished in 2014 but still live on in local paintings, t-shirts, and the hearts of people who enjoy mild industrial trauma.

Plans for the City of Culture celebrations include:

• A 12-month interpretive dance residency inside Sainsbury’s Local.
• “Roundabout Rhythms”, a new music festival where local bands perform on traffic islands.
• The Power Station Light Show — a drone reenactment of Didcot A’s demolition, accompanied by a live ambient saxophone performance.
• A literary trail based on all the Amazon reviews written within the OX11 postcode.

Locals React With Enthusiasm and Mild Panic​

We spoke to lifelong Didcot resident Brenda Clutch, 74, who was enjoying a Wetherspoons breakfast at 3 p.m.

“I thought it was a prank at first. I mean, we’ve got culture… but only if you squint,” she said. “Still, it’ll be nice to have something to do that isn’t walking up and down the high street wondering if the WHSmith is still open.”

Teenager and aspiring influencer Jayden-Blu Hinge, 16, added:

“I’ve been filming TikToks in the Aldi car park for years. Finally, the world’s catching up.”

“It’s Just So Grey” – International Media Reaction​

The news has stunned foreign observers. The New York Times ran the headline: “Britain Trolls Itself, Names Town of Fog and Nothingness as Cultural Mecca.” Meanwhile, French newspaper Le Monde offered a more poetic take: “Didcot: un poème de béton et d’ennui” (a poem of concrete and boredom).

Looking Ahead​

As preparations begin, Didcot is already embracing its newfound cultural status. Buskers have been encouraged to use more than one chord, graffiti artists are now referred to as “urban expressionists,” and a town-wide policy banning the use of Comic Sans is under review.

And in a touching tribute to the town’s working-class roots, every cultural event will conclude with a trip to Greggs.

City of Culture 2029.
Didcot. Believe the unthinkable

 

[stokeu]

​

Kassam Stadium to Be Converted into Reservoir for Thames Water Amid Ongoing Drought Crisis
“It’s the first time the stadium will hold anything of real value,” says local resident

In an ambitious effort to tackle the UK's mounting water shortages, Thames Water has announced plans to convert Oxford United’s Kassam Stadium into a state-of-the-art emergency reservoir. The initiative, dubbed "Project Liquid Midfield,"will see the underused stadium repurposed as a massive water tank capable of holding up to 12,500 frustrated fans’ worth of disappointment—and about 50 million litres of rainwater.

“Frankly, no one's using it for football,” said a Thames Water spokesperson while donning hip waders and stepping into the pitch, already damp from last season's tears. “So we thought, why not make it useful? It's already half-empty most Saturdays.”


Local environmentalists hailed the project as a victory for climate resilience, while lifelong season ticket holders mainly seemed relieved they wouldn't have to watch another 0-0 draw in the rain.

Construction is set to begin after the final home match this season, which insiders say may be rescheduled duringconstruction for “symbolic accuracy.”

No word yet on whether Swindon Town fans will be allowed to drink from it.