General Jokes 🃏

Oldham said:
Horse is in the pub having a few when spots a donkey in the corner so he nips over to have a natter, donkey asks "what did you do for a living" horse says " I ran on the flat in the summer and over the jumps in the winter", Donkey says "I worked with the kids on blackpool beach" , then he asks "did you win anything" horse says "yeah on the flat I won the Oaks, St. Leger and the Derby and over the jumps I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup”, they arrange to meet at the donkey's house a week later, donkey thinks, "I need to impress this guy he's done everything" , so he buys a big picture of a zebra and hangs it above the fireplace, the horse arrives and says "lovely place you have here and who's that in the picture on the wall", donkey replies " thats me when I played for Juventus !
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The best joke I've heard for years. Brilliant
 
There are some horrible bastards about.
I heard a cat crying outside so i opened the door and four Man Utd fans were playing football with it.
I was just about to phone the RSPCA when the cat went 1-0 up.
 
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",hi Steve,is your dad in?"
,"no"
"mum ?"
" no"
",how about your brother Jack ?"
" no".

"Can i help"asks Steve ?

"I don't know, i need to talk to your dad about your Jack getting my daughter Sue pregnant"

"Sorry i can't help with that,i know he charges £500 for the bull,£100 for the Boar,but iv'e no idea what he charges for Jack"
 
“My dog’s got no nose”
“How does it write poetry?”
“I said nose, not prose”
“Oh, how does it water the garden?”
“When did you last have your ears tested?”
“Cucumbers”
 
Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
 
A 60 year old billionaire is getting married to a 25 Year old model. At the reception one of his oldest mates asked him how he managed to pull her. “I lied about my age” he replied, “I told her I was 95”...
 
A man sees a sign outside a house:
'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.
"Yes!" The Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story!"
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!"
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid!" The owner says.
"£10? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying c**t. He's never been out of the garden!"
 
Just received this back from Channel 4...
On behalf of Channel 4, may I firstly thank you for your application submitted on behalf of your wife for our new upcoming reality TV show. Also the charming photograph you enclosed of your wife.
Whilst agreeing that she could make a worthy contribution to the program if selected, I would point out that there appears to be some misunderstanding of the programmes content and the correct title of the series, which is actually, "Fact Hunt".
Kind regards,
Director of Programmes Channel 4...
 
Well, the snooker is just about to get underway and as is traditional, the defending champion will start the match, but who will take the second shot?

Find out after the break...........
 
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I wouldn't mind but that was the 3rd time in under a week.

These cold calling Hovis Witnesses are becoming an annoyance!
 
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