General Jokes ๐Ÿƒ

Three Holy Men and a Bear

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi were sitting around drinking coffee.
Someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided that each would find a bear and attempt to convert it to their religion.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling and had various bandages on his body and limbs, spoke first.
Well, he said,'I went into the woods to find a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.
Well, that bear came after me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb.'
Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist spoke next. He was in a wheelchair and had an IV drip.
'I went out and found me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from the Bible!
But that bear came after me. We wrestled down one hill, until we came to a creek. So I quickly dunked him and baptized his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.
The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him.
The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision might not have been the best way to start..."
 
Just ordered some stuff from the internet and I've accidentally used my Organ Donor card instead of my credit card.




It's gonna cost me an arm and a leg..........
 
Great news - I've got a job at the circus as a clown!



I'm on silly money......
 
Morning Sex.



She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.



As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, โ€œYouโ€™ve got to make love to me right now!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"



Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and went back to the eggs boiling on the stove, her T-shirt still up around her neck.



Happy, but a little puzzled, I had to ask: "Wow! What was that all about?"



She explained, "The egg timer's broken.โ€
 
Morning Sex.



She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.



As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, โ€œYouโ€™ve got to make love to me right now!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"



Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and went back to the eggs boiling on the stove, her T-shirt still up around her neck.



Happy, but a little puzzled, I had to ask: "Wow! What was that all about?"



She explained, "The egg timer's broken.โ€
Uuurgh. 23 second egg :(
 
Never Lose Your Grandson! A heart-warming story.



My small grandson got lost in Sainsburyโ€™s.



He approached a uniformed security guard and said, โ€œIโ€™ve lost my grandad!โ€



The guard asked โ€œWhatโ€™s he like?โ€



The little devil hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Gordon's Gin and women with big tits."
 
A young boy to his father

Dad you know when i killed a butterfly you said there'd be no butter for 2 weeks

then when i killed a honey bee you said there'd be no honey for 2 weeks

well i've just killed a cockroach do you want me to tell mum.
 
Just challenged Derren Brown to a mind-reading contest.




What was I thinking.......
 
When Graham Alexander Bell invented the telephone. What was the first call he received?..... โ€œ have you been in accident that wasnโ€™t your fault?โ€
 
My mateโ€™s puncture repair business has really taken off, so much so that he's been able to buy a large mansion in the country with acres of ground.




To think he only started with a small flat.......
 
Went to the library today and asked if I could borrow the new book about Cockney swearwords.
The librarian looked me up and down and said "You can't".
"That's the one" I replied........
 
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