General Jokes 🃏

Husband and wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, “You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee”.

The husband said, ” You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee”.

Wife replies, “No, you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should brew the coffee.”

Husband replies, ” I can’t believe that. Show me.”

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says…….

”HEBREWS”.
 
If anyone can tell me how to undo the effects of cheap plastic surgery I'm all ears.....
 
A 20 year old boy was delivering papers to an apartment in a block of flats. While there, a stunning young woman came out
of the flat next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying
to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural.
I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere.
How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...that was me."
 
Maurice Earp said:
A 20 year old boy was delivering papers to an apartment in a block of flats. While there, a stunning young woman came out
of the flat next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying
to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural.
I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere.
How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...that was me."
Click to expand...
I’d stick to the day job 😉
 
mate of mine saw an absolute double of himself in a porn film

he has a dopplegangbanger
 
New tier 5
 

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An awful joke!!!
I was in the pub last night telling my mate the joke about what would you do if an epileptic
has a fit in the bath … throw the washing in.

However, the bloke at the next table said, "My brother was epileptic and died in the bath."

F*ck me! Embarrassed!

So, to ease the tension I said, "Sorry to hear that. Did he drown?"

"No. He choked on a sock."
 
The police have just rung me to say they’ve recovered my sofa,

that was awfully kind of them it was starting to look a bit tatty
 
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After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school.
The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher."
She got so mad that when they get home, she ordered him to go straight to his room.
When the father returned home that evening, the mother angrily told him the news of what
their son had done.
As the father heard the news, a huge grin spread across his face.
He walked to his son's room and asked him what happened at school, the son told him,
"I had sex with my teacher."
The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the
bike he had asked for.
On the way to the store, the dad asked his son if he would like to ride his new bike home.
His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my backside still hurts".
 
A man needs to leave for lengthy a business trip, but his wife is saddened by this.

She explains to him that if he isn’t home every night, there will be no way to satisfy herself if she feels horny.

The man claims that she doesn’t need sex, because a dildo should work just fine.

He quickly runs to the local gift shop and asks the cashier if the store carries anything really special.

The cashier quietly pulls out an old box, and removes a wooden penis from inside. The cashier states that the dildo

has been passed down in his family for generations, and was crafted by a witch deep within the Amazon jungle.

The cashier sits up in his chair and shouts “Voodoo Dick, the door!”

The wooden penis flies across the room, and begins to rapidly thrust itself in and out of the front door keyhole.

“Voodoo Dick, the lamp!”

The wooden penis flies up inside of the lamp on the cashier’s desk, and once again, begins to thrust in and out.

“Voodoo Dick, return to your box!”

The wooden penis flies back into the box and the cashier closes the lid.

The man chooses to buy the wooden penis, and just as he is about to leave, the cashier tells him a very important bit

of information regarding the Voodoo Dick:

“The cursed dildo can only be controlled through verbal commands, it is far too powerful to be moved by hand.” says

the cashier. “You must never forget that!” The man nods and heads home.

Later that day, the man explains to his wife how the sex toy works, and then leaves for his trip.

A few days later, the wife becomes very horny, and opens up the box. She proceeds to shout “Voodoo Dick, my pussy!”

The dildo zooms into her vagina, and pleasures her for roughly 6-8 hours.

She soon begins to grow tired, and attempts to pull the dildo out of her. She pulls as hard as she can, but just can’t get it out.

The wife panics, and begins driving to the hospital with the wooden penis still inside of her vagina.

A police officer pulls her over for speeding, and asks to see some identification.

The wife exclaims “Help, help, there is a Voodoo Dick inside of my vagina and it won’t come out!”

The officer raises an eyebrow in disbelief. “Voodoo Dick my ass, bitch”.
 
I see Roy Walker has recorded a version of one of her hits in tribute to the great Whitney Houston. It's called "It's Good But It's Not Right But It's OK"
 
Teacher: “If I gave you two cats and another two cats and then another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven!”

Teacher: “No no, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Gets frustrated, The teacher rubs her temples, and takes a deep breath.

Teacher: “Come on Johnny, you’re better than this. Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”


Johnny: “Six.”
Teacher: “Good. Now, if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and then another two, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Seven!”
Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!?”
Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a freaking cat!”
 
It was pandemonium at the paranoid schizophrenic’s pantomime last night.


someone shouted “he's behind you”........ and it all kicked off
 
What is the difference between the U.S. Capitol and Mordor?




One does not simply walk into Mordor.
 
So I was at a store earlier with my service dog. The lady in front of me at checkout had about $200 worth of toilet paper in her shopping cart. With an attitude she asked me what type of dog I had. I told her it was my service dog. Then she got real snarky and said, I knew that. What type of service? I said he was a BLD. By now he was licking her face and hands being super friendly. She said, what is a BLD? I told her it stood for Butt Licking Dog. She said Butt Licking Dog? I said yeah, he has been trained to lick my butt clean :poop::poop:because I can't seem to be able to find toilet paper because of hoarders. The cashier completely lost it.:ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO:
 
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