General Jokes 🃏

Man goes into a pet shop and says he'd like to buy a wasp. The owner replies 'sorry sir we don't sell wasps'. Surprised the man says 'are you sure? You had one in the window yesterday'.
 
When the lock down began I had to inform the panniers on my Vespa that they wouldnt be going anywhere for the forseeable future

since then Ive been dealing with emotional baggage
 
Me- Alexa , whats the weather going to be today?

Alexa- Why? you're not going anywhere
 
Three Dead Bodies turn up at the Mortuary, all with very big Smiles on their Faces.

The Coroner calls the Police to tell them what has happened..

"First Body":- Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, Died of Heart Failure while Making Love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector,' says the Coroner.

"Second Body":- Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won ÂŁ50,000 on the lottery, spent it all on whiskey. Died of Alcohol Poisoning, hence the smile.'
The Police Inspector asked, 'What about the Third Body..???
'Ahh Ha,' says the Coroner,
"This is the most unusual one. Cleatus Wurzle, from Sw*nd*n 30, struck by Lightning".

"Why is he Smiling then"..??? inquires the Inspector.

" he thought he was having his picture taken".
 
a mate of mine called me, absolutely devastated

his missus left him, she took all his Bob Marley records as well as the satellite dish and receiver box

No woman , No sky
 
I changed my computer password to "AndrexPuppyPlaysWithBogRoll27" which my password strength checker says is "Soft,strong and very,very long"
 
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Irish man answered his door to find a grim-faced constable waiting in the front yard. "We're sorry, Mr. O' Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen" said the officer.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Michael Patrick O'Flynn asked. The constable said, "I have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr. O' Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first." The constable said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but early this morning, we found your poor wife's body in the bay." "Lord sufferin' Jesus and Holy Mother of God!" exclaimed O' Flynn. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What could possibly be the good news?"

The constable continued, "When we pulled the late, departed poor Maureen up, she had 12 of the best-looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, Mr. O' Flynn demanded, "Glory be to God, if that's the good news, then what's the really great news?" The constable replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
 
Found this joke on Facebook and it made me laugh :):)
"After a few beers my mrs said that my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this Veet as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit if a treat.

I ordered it well in advance and working in Salford I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn’t have long to wait.

At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen, by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid off and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing returned. Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn’t managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my a**e. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me.

This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.

Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, a**e in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my a**e while muttering “ooooohhh that feels good” Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn’t heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout fired against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn’t the special surprise she was expecting , VEET removes hair, dignity and self-respect!"
 
Back
Top Bottom