General Jokes 🃏

Breaking news Marks & Spencer’s have merges with Pound stretcher.......now they’re called Stretch Marks.
 
Just been to the Doctors and he’s given me some bad news, he said “ your DNA is backwards” I said “ AND “
 
Don’t know if this was a scam or something, I’ve just received a phone call saying that I had won £250.00 or tickets for an Elvis Presley tribute show... it said “ one for the money. Two for the show”..........
 
My mate taking part in a pub quiz Phoned me asking asked what is the 2nd largest state in America? I said “ Texas “

30 seconds later heal sent a message to my phone
“ What’s the 2nd largest state in America? “
 
Fella was minding his own business quietly reading his paper, then his wife appeared behind him and gave him an almighty whack round the head with a rolled-up magazine

when he regained his senses he asked 'what was that for?'

she replied 'that was for a piece of paper I found in your trouser pocket with the name Laura Lou on it'

'Two weeks ago I put a bet on Laura Lou in a horse race, I bought you flowers with the winnings' he explained

'Oh darling I'm so sorry, I should've known there was an explanation' she said

a couple of days later he was watching TV, she snuck up behind him, whacking him around the head with the frying pan, knocking him spark out

when he came round he asked 'what was that for?'

he wife snarled '....your horse phoned!'
 
bazzer9461 said:
Breaking news Marks & Spencer’s have merges with Pound stretcher.......now they’re called Stretch Marks.
Click to expand...

Just heard that 'The 99p Store' have taken over 'Poundland' . The new owners would like to assure all customers there will be no change..
 
If you’ve been looking for bad Star Wars jokes.......you’re looking in Alderaan places.

May the fourth be with you
 
My Grandad always told me when one door closes another always opens........terrible cabinet maker
 
A teacher says to her class of 7 year olds “ there are three birds sat on a fence and a farmer comes along and shoots one how many are left?” Johnny sticks his hand up and the teacher says “ yes Johnny, none miss. No Johnny that’s wrong. She then asks the same question but this time she holds up three fingers and asks the question again when she finished she put one finger down to show 2 Remaining digits. Again Johnny puts his hand up the teachers says “ yes Johnny “ he answers “ none miss “. The teacher says it’s wrong but can you tell me Johnny how do you come to that answer. “ well miss when the farmer shoots his gun the birds fly away scared so there are none miss”. That is the wrong answer but I like the way you’re thinking. johnny then says “ miss “ “ yes Johnny “ there are three women eating an ice lolly, one is sucking the lolly, the second is licking the ice lolly, and the third is biting the ice lolly. Which one is the married woman? “ the teacher thought long and hard and comes to the conclusion and says “ then one sucking the ice lolly “ “ no miss your wrong, it’s the one with the wedding ring but I like the way you’re thinking.
 
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A weasel walks into a bar

Barman says Ive never served a weasel before, what can I get you?
'Pop' goes the weasel
 
<works better spoken than in print>

What's the difference between a weasel, a stoat and an otter?

The first is weaselly recognised, the second is stoatally different while the third is an otter thing altogether
 
2 drunks lying in a gutter and a police arrives at the scene and notices one drunk blowing the a**e of the other drunk, the copper says “ Oi what’s going on here “ to which the drunk replies “ I’m giving him the kiss of life “ the coppers says “ you’re blowing in the wrong end “ the drunk says “ You smelt his breath? “
 
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