General Jokes ๐Ÿƒ

Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, the Pope, Nicola Sturgeon and a ten year old school boy.

The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.

Trump said I need one. Iโ€™ve to sort out the USA!โ€™ Takes one and jumps
The pope said โ€˜I need one, I've to sort out the Catholic Church.โ€™ He takes one and jumps.
Boris said โ€˜Iโ€™m the smartest man in England.โ€™ He takes one and jumps.
Nicola said to the ten year old "you can have the last parachute. I've lived my life, yours is only starting".
The 10 year old said "Donโ€™t worry, there are 2 parachutes left. The smartest man in England took my school bag"
 
If anyone is planning on visiting, make sure you have a dump in your own house first
 
how long is this social distancing supposed to last? .... Ive been trying to get back into my house for 3 days now, the missus is having none of it!
 
Since the Covid-19 pandemic has caused the cancellation of so many events, Sky Sports are showing the world origami championships tonight.

It's on paper view...
 
Ireland is now on lockdown due to the virus!! Paddy and Murphy just been signed up by the army and given a rifle each and told FROM NOW ON ITS MARTIAL LAW !! Anyone caught out after 6pm its SHOOT TO KILL !!! On their first day theyโ€™re sat on a rooftop when Paddy lets the gun go POP POP POP and shoots and kills a man across the road ! Murphy shouts f*****g HELL PADDY WHAT YOU DOING ITS ONLY 5.45 ...........to which he replys ....... I know Murphy, but I know where he lives he'll never make it home by 6
 
What do you get if you pour boiling hot water down a rabbit hole? ...........

Hot cross buns
 
Landlord: That Spanish actor out of 'Skyfall' was kicking off in my pub the other night.
Customer: Javier Bardem?
Landlord: No, but he is on a final warning.
This one works particularly well using the geordie accent in your head from the post just before.
 
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