General Jokes 🃏

While Jim Apple was trying to introduce himself in France, meanwhile in at a hotel in Berlin his friend Gordon Morgan was having no problem introducing himself at breakfast.
 
I saw two men carrying a coffin around the cemetery at 9pm last night, I thought they lost the plot
 
I saw a middle aged man watching tv and eating a cake and crying......then I realised I hadn’t switched the tv on
 
I often get 147 when I play snooker......it’s the number of the bus I get to go the snooker hall
 
Anyone want to by 100 Scotch eggs and 150 mini sausage rolls?
I misread the sign I thought it read Picnic buying
 
Even though I’m bald I keep my comb in my back pocket.......just can’t bear to part with it.
 
Billy was talking to paddy and billy noticed one of paddy’s shoe laces undone so Billy said” be careful Paddy your shoe lace is undone” and Paddy replies” I know, it’s the instructions under the shoe” “ what instructions?” “ Taiwan” says paddy.
 
Just a joke, I am not racist...
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3 lads from Oxford, Swindon and Pakistan all became dads on the same day, although they travelled separately they all arrived at the hospital at the same time.
As they walked towards the maternity wing they were stopped by the midwife waving her hands frantically, the 3 lads starting to worry saying “what’s the problem”?.
The midwife quickly tells them “that not only have you become dads on the same day, the babies were all born at the same time”, the lads say “whats wrong with that”, the midwife says “well, when they were born we moved all 3 babies into the maternity incubator wing and now we don’t know which baby belongs to who?” She then adds that the 3 lads will have to go into the incubator wing and choose their own baby..........!
The 3 lads look at each other and the Oxford lad says “Fcuk it, i will go first”.
He enters the wing and comes out with a baby much to the astonishment of the midwife when she realises that he has picked the Pakistani baby, she then panics and shouts “why have you picked the Pakistani baby”, the Oxford lad quickly replies, “one of the two that is left is from Swindon and I wasn’t going to take the risk”................................................. LOL....!
 
German supermarkets fear that panic buying will mean shortages of sausages and cheese though govt stresses that this is only the wurst case scenario
 
Think I am panic buying but I did manage to slip into a sex shop and get 14 chocolate penises and 8 pairs of edible panties!
 
With schools suspended due to covid 19 , I hired a local youngster to clear up the poo in my my back garden

.... he's just realised I dont have a dog
 
went out in the countryside for fresh air n exercise while self-isolating..... fella on a tractor ploughing a field drove past shouting 'the end of the world is nigh! ' ..... reckon that was Farmer Geddon
 
I was shocked at the price of those ancestors DNA kits £130....cheaper just to announce you’ve won the lottery, you will soon get to know your relatives
 
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