General Jokes πŸƒ

I went to a local pub last night and they had a Karaoke. It was a 70’s Disco theme and I was asked to get up and sing.
At first I was afraid, I was petrified!
 
My mate has just invested in a company that has developed an invisible aeroplane.


I can't see it taking off.........
 
My wife mocked me when I said I was going to build a car from spaghetti, lasagne & ruote.


You should have seen her face when I drove past her.......
 
while slowly crossing the road in Headington earlier today, I got hit by a rental van

it bloody Hertz
 
Liverpool FC once tried to get Yul Brynner to advertise their own branded aftershave. Sadly he refused. Yul never wore cologne.
 
Jurgen Klopp flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi boy play football. Kloppy is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 0-4 down to Chelsea with only 20 minutes to go and gives the young lad a run out.
The lad is a sensation and scores 5 goals for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, as are the players and coaches. The media love the new star.
When the lad comes off the pitch, he phones his mum to tell her about his first game in English football.
Wonderful his mum says.
Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed. Your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten up. Your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you having such a great time.
The young lad is very upset...what can I say mum, I’m really sorry.
Sorry???!!! Sorry?!!! It’s your f****** fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place
 
Following a collision, a lorry has shed it's load of Vicks Vapour Rub across all three carriageways of the M40 approaching Junction 9.

Thames Valley Police are on scene and say they are not expecting any congestion for the next 8 hours.........
 
Lorry driver heading down the road with a parrot in the cab and sees a blonde thumbing a lift so he pulls over, about 1/2 mile down the road he asks her Do you do anything, no i don't she says angrily so he pulls over and says you can f**k off then...further down the road he sees a brunette so offers her the lift, a little down the road he asks do you do anything..no i don't she said angrily so again he pulls over and says you can f**k off then..he picks up another blonde and quickly asks her do you do anything yes i do she says but i'm doing nothing with that parrot sat in here, so the lorry driver takes the parrot and chucks it in in the back with his load..he rushes to find a quiet spot for the 2 of them and gets pulled over by the police, the officer asks him to step out of the cab and come to the back where he sees chickens allover the road and the parrot heard saying "do you do anything no well you can f**k off then" as chicken come flying through the air.
 
there was I driving a hearse on a motorway, next thing I knew, flashing blue lights and I was signalled to pull over by a Police Motorway patrol cat

I enquired as towhy I'd been pulled over, reply was, 'well sir, it appears that youve been undertaking'
 
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