General Jokes πŸƒ

It snowed last night...
8:00 am: I made a snowman.
8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.
8:17 - My feminist neighbour complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.
8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.
8:22 - The transgender man... woman... person? asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.
8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up .
8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.
8:42 - The feminist neighbour complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.
8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.
8:45 - TV news crew from the BBC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "snowballs" and I'm now called a sexist.
9:00 - I was on the news as a suspected terrorist/racist/homophobe/sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.
9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.
By noon it all melted
Moral:
There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become, all because of snowflakes.
 
I've had enough of this PC nonsense; I saw two guys, dressed identically, walking down the street - I asked them if they were gay.



They arrested me........
 
Paddy goes to the docs with stomach pain,
The doc examines him and says.... "I can't find anything wrong with you, it must be the drink"
Paddy replies..... " OK, I'll come back another time when you're sober"
 
I ran into Midge Ure recently in one of those bars where they have board games

I took up his challenge for a game of scrabble

it was fairly even until the last round, when I was left with 4 letters,

they mean nothing to me, O V N R
 
money is exceptionally tight at the moment, when I opened the first door on my advent calender on Sunday, there was a bailiff on the other side
 
A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The KEY,"
Where a small key is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.
Of course, the woman wanted "The Key."
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the key and the effects were wonderful --The woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
"All these years, everything has been working just fine.
I've had to turn the key and I've always loved the results.
But now I've developed two annoying problems - First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said. "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."
She said. "No point asking about the beard then!"
 
My son is taking part in a social experiment.
He has to wear a Sw8nd*n T*wn shirt for 2 weeks to see how people react.
So far he has been spat at, punched and verbally abused.
It will be interesting to see what happens when he leaves the house.
 
A young Portsmouth lass was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia , the woman accepted.
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food every day and I get a free trip to Australia."
"I see," the captain says 'and thats all is it?'
Her conscience then got the better of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry
 
I was on my way home from the local Chinese takeaway last night when my son heard a rustling noise in one of the bags, he looked in and said that two little eyes were looking back at him, I told him not to be daft then I heard the rustles as well, I looked in and there it was, staring right at me, a Peeking Duck!
 
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"Excuse me," I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, "You have some semen on the back of your jacket."
"I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably yoghurt."
"It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yoghurt."
 
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