General Jokes ๐Ÿƒ

I'm trying to get my penis into the Guinness Book of Records.



Just waiting for that bloody librarian to stop staring at me.......
 
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Not sure if Ive had a scam text message

It says 'congratulations you've won ยฃ250 cash or 4 tickets to an Elvis tribute night- to claim your prize press 1 for the money, 2 for the show'
 
Man in Bar orders Champagne.
Lady next to him says "What a Coincidence. I've ordered Champagne too!"
"I'm celebrating"
"Me too what a coincidence!" "What are you celebrating?"
"Hubby & I have tried for years for a baby. Today I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence. I'm a Farmer. For years my Hens were infertile.Today they all laid Eggs!"
"Wow! How did that happen?"
"I used a different Cock."
The lady smiled, clinked her glass and said "What a coincidence..."
 
Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.

It was just After Eight.

They got off at Quality Street.

He asked her name. โ€˜Polo, Iโ€™m the one with the holeโ€™ she said with a Wispa.
โ€˜Iโ€™m Marathon, the one with the nutsโ€™ he replied.
He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her.
Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, which made her Ripple.
He fondled her Jelly Babies and she rubbed his Tic Tacs.
Soon they were Heart Throbs.
It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.
But, 3 days later, his Sherbet Dip Dab started to itch.
Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he had Allsorts!
 
Does anybody else on here keep getting pestered by a bloke called Buster?


He keeps sending me loads of pictures and videos of the 1970's pop group, The Sweet.

Does anyone know the way? There's got to be a way to block Buster!
 
Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.

It was just After Eight.

They got off at Quality Street.

He asked her name. โ€˜Polo, Iโ€™m the one with the holeโ€™ she said with a Wispa.
โ€˜Iโ€™m Marathon, the one with the nutsโ€™ he replied.
He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her.
Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, which made her Ripple.
He fondled her Jelly Babies and she rubbed his Tic Tacs.
Soon they were Heart Throbs.
It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.
But, 3 days later, his Sherbet Dip Dab started to itch.
Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he had Allsorts!
Swap Snickers with 'pink wafers' ?
 
One day, in Bible land, long after the great flood waters had died down, God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old mucker, I want you to make me a new Ark".

Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want, after all - you're the boss... "

But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, . . I want 20 decks one on top of the other".

"20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK oh Supreme One, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"

"Yep, that's right, well . .. sort of right . . this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.

"Fish?", queries Noah

God replies; "Yep, fish . . well, to make it more specific Noah, I want Koi carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling - Koi Carp!"

Noah looks to the skies. "OK... God my old mate, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?"

"Yep...".

"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?"

"Correctamundo".

"And you want it full of Carp?".

"Check"

"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly getting increasingly worried about either the sanity of God or his own hearing...

"Dunno", says God.... "I just fancied a Multi-Story Carp Ark".
 
If you dont pay your bill to the exorcist, don't be surprised to find youve been repossessed
 
A woman from Sydney who was a tree hugging, vegetarian and anti-hunter purchased a piece of native bush land in northern N.S.W.
There was a large gum tree on one of the highest points in her property.
She wanted a good view of the natural splendour of her land, so she started to climb the big gum.
As she neared the top, she encountered a koala that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, vegetarian, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.
The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor re-appeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"
He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, Native Vegetation, Parks and Wildlife service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a Waste Treatment Facility. And I'm sorry, they turned you down.โ€
 
Had the police round earlier; they said that they had received reports that my dogs were chasing people on bikes.


I told them that was ridiculous - my dogs don't have bikes........
 
My granddad warned people that the Titanic would sink.

When it left dock, he was telling everyone around him that the ship was doomed, but no-one wanted to know.

He was adamant about the craft's impending doom and tried to get heard by someone in authority and he kept on remonstrating until they threw him out of the cinema............
 
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