General Jokes 🃏

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a
Particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of pounds for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten quid and asked,
"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you spend this on bike parts instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are youMAD!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't had a bike in 20 years!"
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?
The man replied,
"That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and bikes."
 
I'm getting fed up with eBay

I tried to look up lighters, all they had was 13,749 matches.
 
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots,
But they only know to say one thing.' 'What do they say?' the priest asked, They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun? 'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a moment.....'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible...Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, And your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.'
'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'
The next day,
She brought her female parrots to the priest's house....As he ushered her in, She saw that his two male parrots Were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying...Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them...After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison:
Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence...Then, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said,
'Put the beads away, Frank,
Our prayers have been answered! ...
 
After answering an advert for sperm donors Cleatus was asked by the nurse if he would masturbate in the cup

Cleatus replied I know I quite good at it, but I don't think I'm up to tournament standard yet
 
The inventor of hard boiled eggs wrapped in sausage meat has just died

RIP Scott Chegg.
 
** Be aware **
We ordered a Chinese takeaway (we won't name them) just been to pick it up and as we were driving home, we heard the bags rustling and moving!!!
We thought what the hell is that? Has something got in the bag? We thought we could see a little pair of eyes peering out
I was driving so I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenger seat and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out behind the prawn crackers,
I thought its got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag down ...
And there it was ...
... A Peeking Duck!!!
 
** Be aware **
We ordered a Chinese takeaway (we won't name them) just been to pick it up and as we were driving home, we heard the bags rustling and moving!!!
We thought what the hell is that? Has something got in the bag? We thought we could see a little pair of eyes peering out
I was driving so I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenger seat and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out behind the prawn crackers,
I thought its got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag down ...
And there it was ...
... A Peeking Duck!!!
I had a very similar experience when I ordered their Chicken Surprise!!
 
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below.
She descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don’t know where I am.”
The man below replied “You’re in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You’re between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.”
“You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist. “I am”, replied the man.
“How did you know?”
“Well, answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I’ve no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all. If anything, you’ve delayed my trip even more.”
The man below responded, “You must be in management.”
“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well,” said the man, “You don’t know where you are or where you’re going.You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems?!!”
 
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