General Jokes 🃏

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop and asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.
“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?” "That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.
He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”
The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. He apologises and lifts the needle onto the next track.
Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds." The assistant apologises again and lifts the needle to the next track.
The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage.
"This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"
The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over. "What seems to be the problem, sir?"
"This is an outrage! Nobody knows more about wasps than I do. There is no way that the sounds on that record were made by European ones!"
The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly. "I'm terribly sorry, sir ............
It appears we've been playing you the bee side."
 
A man goes to the doctor's feeling ill.
The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I have some bad news, you have a really nasty virus. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth'
So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.
Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before and she wants to remember him at her favourite place.
They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35.
Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320.
Then he gets the full house and wins £5000.
Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting £780,000.
The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, 'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth!'
'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24'.
'Bloody hell' says the bingo caller. ‘You've won the meat raffle as well
 
Just got to the Arctic enclosure at the zoo & we watched in disbelief as a polar bear gave a seal one of its fish then spent ages kissing & stroking it.
All of a sudden it stopped, let out a deafening roar, bit the head off the seal & stomped off.
The zookeeper was nearby so we went & told him what had happened........
Apparently it’s a Bi - POLAR BEAR!
 
Meanwhile at the Arctic enclosure various animals filed past one of the more blubbery residents as it nodded its head & clapped .... must be the SEAL of approval I thought.
 
While the rest of the cast of iconic film Quadrophina are reuniting for a series of 40th anniversary events, Gordon Sumner aka Sting (Ace face/ Bellboy in the film), on top of tantric sex and saving rain forests, appears to think he's still in The Police?

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I asked what my 4 year old nephew would like for his birthday and my sister said he was really into jigsaws.


So now he's in casualty having two fingers re-attached and somehow it's my fault.........
 
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