General Jokes šŸƒ

Did you hear about the Preschool teacher who was helping one of the children put on his boots?
He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.
By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, "Miss, they're on the wrong feet."
She looked, and sure enough, they were.
It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.
She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.
He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to.
Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.
No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, "They're my brother's boots. My mom made me wear them."
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.
But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your gloves?"
He said, "I stuffed them into the toes of my boots".
 
Gents- if your wife likes flowers for Valentineā€™s Day, she must plant them nowā€¦.. time is running outā€¦
 
Just talking to my postman this morning. He wants to become a stand-up comedian. He's not too bad......

.....but I think he needs to work on his delivery
 
BREAKING SPORT NEWS:
The English Cricket Board have announced tennis World No.1 Novak Djokovic as batting coach.

Commenting on the shock appointment, a spokesman said "We acknowledge he doesn't have a cricketing background but we couldn't overlook the fact it took Australia two weeks to get him out.ā€
 
A young couple moved into a new house.
The next morning while they were eating breakfast the young woman saw her neighbour hanging the washing outsideā€¦
that laundry is not very clean; she doesnā€™t know how to wash correctly!! Perhaps she needs better soap powder!!
Her husband looked on, remaining silent.
Every time her neighbour hung her washing out to dry, the young woman made the same comments.
A month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband, "Look, sheā€™s finally learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this?
The husband replied, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows."
 
A girl at a bus stop spotted a handsome man and without hesitation went to him and said:
"You look cute, I like you."
The man out of shock simply placed his hand on her shoulder and said:
"My dear, this love and infatuation are all nothing. You are too young to be behaving like this. Please go home and study hard so that you can have a successful life."
He then placed a piece of paper on her hand and said:
" I have written some words of wisdom and bible verses for you. Read them before you go to sleep." And then he walked away.
The girl went back to her hostel in shame and before she slept she opened up the paper and read this:
"Are you blind? My wife was standing behind me. Any way, this is my number. Call me anytime, by the way, I like you too!"
PS.... "Fancy a shag!"
 
My wife asked my why I put glue on my forehead and dropped Trill on it?

I said I was receding.
 
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north.

The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read.

One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap.

The wife decided to take the boat out.

She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.

Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside and says,

ā€œGood morning, Maā€™am. What are you doing?ā€

ā€œReading my book,ā€ she replies as she thinks to herself, ā€œIs he guy blind or what?ā€

ā€œYouā€™re in a restricted fishing area,ā€ he informs her.

ā€œBut, Officer, Iā€™m not fishing. Canā€™t you see that?ā€

ā€œBut you have all this equipment, Maā€™am. Iā€™ll have to take you in and write you up.ā€

ā€œIf you do that I will charge you with rape,ā€ snaps the irate woman.

ā€œI didnā€™t even touch you,ā€ grouses the Game Warden.

ā€œYes, thatā€™s true ā€¦ but you have all the equipment.ā€
 
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.
"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your
thinking."
Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."
 
Admin have issued me with a warning because of my incessant posting of wordplay jokes.

I asked them "How can I stop?" and they said "Use whatever means necessary."

"No it doesn't" I replied.....
 
I went to our local hardware store and said ā€œCan I have four heaters pleaseā€. For some reason the bloke sent me to the Mexican restaurant next door.
 
I have just deleted Tina Adams and Marge Reynolds from my Facebook and they are now sending me messages saying they are really upset because Iā€™ve deleted them. Get over it!!!
If you have them on your friends list, please tell them from me.........
Don't cry for me, Marge and Tina.
 
My wife said, "I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with Tennis.
I replied, "That's 15 love."
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top Bottom