General Jokes 🃏

My wife asked if she could have some peace and quiet while she was cooking dinner……..so I took the battery out of the smoke alarm.
 
If, in the next couple of days, you get sent a message or email containg a link to the Ed Sheeran & Elton John Xmas song DO NOT OPEN IT!

It is a link to the Ed Sheeran & Elton John Xmas song......
 
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I heard that Norwich fans are expecting good things from Dean Smith.
He has promised three seasons of top flight football.
Autumn, Winter and Spring
 
My wife just said that if I don't get off the computer and help her with the Xmas decorations, she'll smash my face into the keyboard.

I'd like to see her trkinfjr eoiwf$€ujrtw e4t o8rk ljreun8f4nydyh€'=xrxhr
 
My wife just said that if I don't get off the computer and help her with the Xmas decorations, she'll smash my face into the keyboard.

I'd like to see her trkinfjr eoiwf$€ujrtw e4t o8rk ljreun8f4nydyh€'=xrxhr
I hope you actually mashed your face into your keyboard when typing that to make it authentic 😂
 
I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so.
I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.
She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.
I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.'
So she unwrapped the package,
took one out and slipped it over her thumb.
She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty.
It was empty. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.
'Do these excite you ?' She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head.
She then said it was time to slip the condom on.
As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few minutes.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown.
'Did you put that condom on ?' she asked.
I said, 'I sure did"and held up my thumb to show her!
 
A Merry Xmas to all of you that have put up with my warped humour this year, but before I sign off for the festivities, one last tip to get your Xmas lunch off with bang.

A whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds an hilarious new dimension to a rather dated gag.

Merry Xmas !
Merry Christmas to you too and thanks for all the laughs!
 
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