General Jokes 🃏

I was worried that the mechanic would rip me off as I know nothing about cars.
Imagine my relief when I found out I only needed indicator fluid and some winter air in my tyres to stop them from freezing!
 
So I bought a frozen pizza from Tesco for my tea tonight and it says on the box, "Cook for between 20 and 22 minutes."
Now, I'm no genius, but isn't that 21 minutes?
😗
 
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. Suddenly the horse falls into a mud hole and starts sinking. He tells the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farmer, but the farmer can't be found.
So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend and drives forward saving the horse from sinking.
A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow again, and the chicken falls into a mud hole. The chicken tells the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.
The horse says: "I think I can get you out."
So he stretches over the width of the hole and says: "Grab hold of my 'thing' and pull yourself up."
The chicken does this and is pulled to safety.
Moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
 
Woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" The husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked. The headaches are all gone."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Damn! That was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
His funeral service will be held on Saturday.
 
Nice one
 

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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating, I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears. 'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses The words were not coming easily.
'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car'
'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.
The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years'
'I remember that, too' she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have gotten out today."
😂
 
A shelf full of toilet roll fell on me and my dog, just to let you know me and Rex are fine.
 
I've heard Yoko Ono is on I'm a Celebrity get me out of here
I've put a tenner on her to win.
She''s lived off a dead beatle for 40 years.
 
Had a hospital appointment today and while sat in the waiting room, I got chatting to the guy next to me and I asked what he was there for.
"Camera up the arse" he said.
"That's called a colonoscopy" I answered, feeling smug.
"No" he said "Bloke next door caught me taking pictures of his wife"
 
Oxymoron said:
Had a hospital appointment today and while sat in the waiting room, I got chatting to the guy next to me and I asked what he was there for.
"Camera up the a**e" he said.
"That's called a colonoscopy" I answered, feeling smug.
"No" he said "Bloke next door caught me taking pictures of his wife"
Click to expand...
😂
 
Santa Claus goes to the doctor he says doctor doctor I’ve got a mince pie stuck up my a**e the doctor says don’t worry I’ve got some cream for that



I will get my coat 😁
 
Was in the Estate Agents this morning when an armed man burst in and shouted "Nobody move".......
 
A small church had a very attractive big-breasted organist, Penny, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.
Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
So one of the ladies approached Penny very discreetly about the problem, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts.
This should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up, and you won’t be able to talk properly for a while.
The big-breasted organist reluctantly agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said, “Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday”
 
Every Christmas we’d come in to find a big pile of presents and start unwrapping them as fast as we could. Afterwards there would be arguments over who had got the best gift but we would soon make up and all sit down to have a three hour dinner before watching telly for the rest of the day.


I really miss working at the Oxford sorting office......
 
If anyone is alone with no one to spend Christmas with please let me know, I need to borrow some chairs
 
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