General Jokes 🃏

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.
She was thrilled at the speed.
"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.
"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over.
The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.
"Go and get help!" he cried.
"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"
"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."
Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station.
Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."
 
Some years ago he was accused of stealing out of date chocolate bars.

Looks like he's up to his old Twix again....
 
Just heard that Diesel is available at Sainsbury’s.
You’ll find it in the aftershave aisle
 
"And now, here's the band you've all been waiting for - Please welcome to the stage, The Bailiffs!



Take it away boys...."
 
After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?
"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?"
"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August"
 
A married couple was watching volleyball game at a beach when the wife spotted a couple on the sidelines.
They were being very affectionate.
The girl was running her hands all over the boyfriend and nibbling on his ear.
He had his hands on her chest.
Looking at them, the wife said to her husband "I don't know whether to watch them or the game."
Husband said, "Better watch them! You already know how to play volleyball." :ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO:
 
Still in the mist of covid 19 and the next virus has already come along , it’s called the Nile virus type C . It appears Nile virus type C attacks people born between 1940 to 1970
SYMPTOMS :
Causes you to send the same message twice.
Causes you to send a blank message
Causes you to send a message to the wrong person.
Causes you to send it back to the same person that sent it to you.
Causes you to forget to attach the attachment
Causes you to hit send before you’ve finished
Causes you to hit send instead of delete
Causes you to hit delete instead of send
It’s called C- Nile Virus
And if you can’t admit to doing the above you must have the mutant strain D-Nile virus
 
How Government Contracts are awarded

An established business, a new start-up firm and an Old Etonian all tender for a big construction job, paid for by government money.

"Our bid is £6 million" said the CEO of the established business.

"How is that figure broken down?" asked the minister in charge of the scheme.
"We have examined the plans and to build to your specifications and using the highest quality materials and employing a qualified and experienced workforce, it equates to £2 million for materials, £2 million for labour with a further £2m as contingency, which will form the basis of our profit if not used.".

"I can do the job for £4 million" says the man in charge of the new start up.
"And how can you achieve that?" asked the minister
"I can save 50% on materials by using lower spec components and 50% on labour by using my contacts" he replies.

The Old Etonian took the minister to one side and said "My tender is £10 million".
"That's way over the other submissions" says the minister. "What will we be getting for such a high bid?"
"£3 million for you, £3 million for me and the new boy gets to to do the job"....
 
Well it's not caused bij the covid vocines.
Or maybe...
 
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ... and she's always sound asleep.
 
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A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic rubbish bags behind her.

One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £20 note fell out onto the sidewalk.path.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are £20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really?" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them.

Thanks for telling me, Officer."

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. " Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back garden is right next to a Golf course. A lot of golfers come and
pee through a knothole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really annoy me.
Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the
knothole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him,
grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me £20 or off it comes!'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing ."OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."
 
Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle factory.

For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.

Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist.

After six months, the therapist gave up.

He advised Yossel to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.

The next day he came home from work very early.

His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.

Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.

He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.

Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband.

She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis.

She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"

Yossel replied, "I think she got fired, too."
 
My therapist told me that you can let out all your anger by writing letters about everyone you hate and then burn them.




But he hasn't told me if I should keep the letters.....
 
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