General Jokes 🃏

I’ve got a memory of an elephant, one day I went to the zoo and saw an elephant
 
I accidentally kicked my dog earlier and it but me on the bollox, my mate said that was Karmer, I said no it made him even more angrier.
 
I was watching tv and the announcer said there was a documentary on the clitoris on the red button, but i couldn’t find it.
 
I was in a fancy lingerie shop and I asked if these knickers were satin, the assistant said no they’re new.
 
I thought PPI was something you could get in the swimming baths if you didn’t wear goggles.
 
The woman next door has breast implants made from recycled timber.


Wish I could think of a punch line......
 
A woman goes to prison to visit her husband who has just been sentenced to 40 years in jail.
As soon as she enters the visiting room, she hugs him and exclaims with tears in her eyes: - "Oh! Roger, 40 years, Roger.?"
And the husband replies:
"Well, my love, what are you going to do?"
"Oh, Roger ...! I spoke to the judge handling your case,"
"And what did he say, my love?"
"He told me that for every time I make love with him, he will reduce your prison sentence by one year ..."
"What !!! What a miserable bastard and what did you say to that son of a bitch? "
" Oh, Roger! We'll talk about it at home, pick up your stuff, let's go… !!! "
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A man and a woman who had never met before but were both married to other people found themselves assigned to the same sleeping compartment on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly,
he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1 a.m., the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet and get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"wow! that's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"good," she replied. "get your own f*****g blanket."
after a moment of silence, he farted.
 
A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.'
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
 
A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face.
The best man says, "Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up you look so excited."
The groom replies, "I just had the best bj I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face.
The maid of honour notices this and says, "Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up, you look so excited."
The bride replies, "I have just given the last bj of my entire life."
 
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