General Jokes 🃏

One winter morning, a husband and wife (Brother & Sister) in Swindon were listening to the radio during breakfast:
They heard the announcer say. "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through.”
So, the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later, while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said. "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through."
The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week, they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer said. "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park…" Then, the electric went out.
The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face, she said. “Darling, I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied. "Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time?"
😂
 
When the power mower was broken and wouldn't run. I kept hinting to my husband that he ought to get it fixed, but somehow the message never sank in.
Finally, though, I thought of a clever way to make my point.
When my husband arrived home that day, he found me seated out in the yard in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. He was gone only a few moments, when he came out again he handed me a toothbrush.
"When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk too."

The doctors say he will probably live, but I can guarantee you, it will be quite a while before those casts come off!"
 
A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.
So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess. The stewardess, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your Mum tell you to ask me?"
The boy said, "yes she did."
"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your Mum explain that to you."
 
A young vicar was sitting in a restaurant eating lunch.
He opened a letter he’d just received that morning from his mother.
As he opened it a twenty pound note fell out.
He thought to himself, Thanks, Mum, I sure needed that right now.
As he finished his meal, he noticed a beggar outside on the path leaning against the light post.
Thinking that the poor man could probably use the twenty pounds more than he, he crossed out
the names on the envelope and wrote across the top in large letters, PERSEVERE!
So as not to make a scene, he put the envelope under his arm and dropped it as he walked past the man.
The man picked it up and read the message and smiled.
The next day, as the pastor enjoyed his meal, the same man tapped him on the shoulder and handed
him a big wad of bills.
Surprised, the young pastor asked him what that was for. The man replied, “This is your half of the winnings.
Persevere came in first in the fourth race at the track yesterday and paid thirty to one.”
 
You hear about the nurse who after years of working at the JR one day just up and left her role in the maternity ward?

She had a midwife crisis.
 
Got in touch with my inner-self today.



That's the last time I buy toilet paper from Poundland......
 
"What is Irish Viagra?" she asked the doctor.
"It's Viagra dissolved in a cup of coffee. He won't even taste it. Let me know how it goes" he said.
She called the doctor the next day.
"How did it go?" he asked.
"Oh faith, bejaysus and begorrah, doctor, it was horrid. Just terrible, I tell ya!! I'm beside meself!"
"Really? What in the world happened?"
"Well, I did as you advised. The Viagra in his coffee took effect right almost immediately. He jumped straight up, with a smile on his face, a twinkle In his eye and his pants a-bulging fiercely. With one swoop of his arm he sent the cups and saucers flying across the room, then he ripped me clothes to tatters and passionately took me then and there on top of the table. Twas a nightmare, I tell ya, an absolute nightmare!"
"Why so terrible" asked the doctor. Wasn't the sex good?"
"Freakin jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in 25 years, but sure as I'm sittin here, doctor, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again".
 
On their way to the church to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident.
Being good Catholics the young couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they begin to wonder: could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter finally showed up, they asked him.
St Peter said: "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out" and he leaves them sitting at the Gate.
After three months, St Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes" he informs the couple " I can get you married in Heaven”.
"Great!" said the couple "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”
"You must be bloody joking" says St. Peter, red-faced with frustration, slamming his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple”.
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted
"It took me three months to find a priest up here .....
Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"
 
Failed my ventriloquist exam yesterday.




Couldn't say it was a surprise........
 
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Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realised that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
About that time, Charlie got home and realised her predicament.
They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.
Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts. Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the hospital emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her.
Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."
The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them. I just never saw one mounted and framed."
 
Bought a digital camera at the weekend, been trying it out all week.



No negatives so far......
 
There is nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't P**s out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter...
Mess with seniors, and you're going to lose :ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO:
 
A young lady from Swindon was speaking to her mate. "I can't wait to get vaccinated" Tracy said. Sharon replied to her "That's great, so you can get vaccinated?"
Then Tracy replied "No Shaz, cuz it's the prick I am likely to get this year......"
 
I had trouble with my jaw so I shot up to A&E at the JR.
I’m a bit pissed off though, five hours I waited only for the doctor to take one look at it and refer me to Stoke Mandible!
 
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.
The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss."The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues,"When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.
WHACK!
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit,slapping his rear with every step.
His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"
 
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