General Jokes 🃏

Got chatting to a bloke in the pub and I told him that when I met my wife, she was working in an abattoir.


She was a right stunner back then.....
 
I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
 
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So, the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman who is seated over there," and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.

The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read:

"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants "

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.


It read:


"Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be:

I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages;

I have beautiful homes in Aspen, and Miami as well as a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana.

There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio.

But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back."
 
Just phoned the suppository helpline for some advice on how to use them.

Must say, I thought they were very rude.........
 
Thames Valley Police have issued an appeal for information concerning the so called 'Knitting-Needle Nutter', who has assualted six people with the implements in the last week.

Attacks in Abingdon, Banbury, Chalgrove, Didcot, Eynsham and Faringdon suggest that the attacker is following some sort of pattern......
 
This may be of interest to someone, a m8 of mine has got tickets for Sunday’s final at Wembley plus accommodation for the night he brought months ago for £300 all in but he didn’t realise it fell on his wedding day! If you are interested he is looking for someone to take his place !! Its at Henley registry office , at 4pm the brides name is Deborah
 
Why is it so bad being an egg?

You only get laid once

It takes you ten minutes to get hard

The only bird to sit on your face is your mum
 
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint....
A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:
Dear Sir, Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
The man is incandescent with rage now because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.
A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your a**e and go as a toffee apple.
 
My mates just been put inside for 5 years
He filled his car up with petrol at our local Tesco pay at pump.
The fuel spat back all over his hand and arm, as he drove off he lit a cigarette
and set fire to himself.
Frantically waving his arm out of the window trying to extinguish it.
The police pulled him over and charged him with possessing a firearm.
 
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