JOKES

Maurice Earp

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Joined
6 Dec 2017
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1,294
So I was at a store earlier with my service dog. The lady in front of me at checkout had about $200 worth of toilet paper in her shopping cart. With an attitude she asked me what type of dog I had. I told her it was my service dog. Then she got real snarky and said, I knew that. What type of service? I said he was a BLD. By now he was licking her face and hands being super friendly. She said, what is a BLD? I told her it stood for Butt Licking Dog. She said Butt Licking Dog? I said yeah, he has been trained to lick my butt clean :poop::poop:because I can't seem to be able to find toilet paper because of hoarders. The cashier completely lost it.:ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO:
 

Maurice Earp

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Joined
6 Dec 2017
Messages
1,294
Three Holy Men and a Bear

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi were sitting around drinking coffee.
Someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided that each would find a bear and attempt to convert it to their religion.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling and had various bandages on his body and limbs, spoke first.
Well, he said,'I went into the woods to find a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.
Well, that bear came after me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb.'
Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist spoke next. He was in a wheelchair and had an IV drip.
'I went out and found me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from the Bible!
But that bear came after me. We wrestled down one hill, until we came to a creek. So I quickly dunked him and baptized his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.
The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him.
The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision might not have been the best way to start..."
 

Oxymoron

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Joined
7 Dec 2017
Messages
676
Just ordered some stuff from the internet and I've accidentally used my Organ Donor card instead of my credit card.




It's gonna cost me an arm and a leg..........
 

Pompeyyellows

Active member
Joined
7 Dec 2017
Messages
736
Morning Sex.



She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.



As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me right now!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"



Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and went back to the eggs boiling on the stove, her T-shirt still up around her neck.



Happy, but a little puzzled, I had to ask: "Wow! What was that all about?"



She explained, "The egg timer's broken.”
 

chuckbert

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Joined
8 Dec 2017
Messages
2,420
Morning Sex.



She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.



As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me right now!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"



Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and went back to the eggs boiling on the stove, her T-shirt still up around her neck.



Happy, but a little puzzled, I had to ask: "Wow! What was that all about?"



She explained, "The egg timer's broken.”
Uuurgh. 23 second egg :(
 

Pompeyyellows

Active member
Joined
7 Dec 2017
Messages
736
Never Lose Your Grandson! A heart-warming story.



My small grandson got lost in Sainsbury’s.



He approached a uniformed security guard and said, “I’ve lost my grandad!”



The guard asked “What’s he like?”



The little devil hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Gordon's Gin and women with big tits."
 
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