General Jokes 🃏

Yesterday, the players and staff from Swindon Town FC visited their local children's hospital with gifts and cards for the patients.



"At this time of year, it's especially gratifying to put a smile on the faces of those who are worse off than we are and who are facing a long uphill struggle against terrible odds" said Graham, aged eight from Highworth.....
 
Maybe a bit to strong for this site but here goes.


A little girl comes home from school and proudly announces that she knows how baby’s are made. Her mum smiles and asks her daughter how it happens.

“Well the mummy and daddy take of all their clothes. Then the daddy gets his Willy ready and outs it in mummy’s mouth. Then after a bit something happens and then they get a baby,” says the little girl.

The mum smiles again “ Oh darling that’s not how babies are mad. That’s where jewellery comes from “
 
George and Esther are out celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary when George asks Esther “in all these years we’ve been married have you ever cheated on me?”

“Oh darling why have you asked me this question today of all days?”

“I just need to know” says George, after a bit more persuasion,

Esther said “I do confess I cheated on you 3 times.” Then starts to explain herself, “ The first time was when you were 30. Do you remember how you wanted to start your own buisness but no bank would give you a loan, Then the bank manager came round and gave you the loan....”

“Oh baby you did that for me? Incredible “

And do you remember when you had the heart attack at 50 and you needs a dangerous operation and no surgeon was prepared to do it? Then remember Dr Adam’s changing his mind?”

“You did it to save my life” said George “ And the third time?”

“Well” said Esther “ You remember last year when you wanted to be Chairman at the golf club and you were 14 votes short?”
 
A doctor just finished shagging his patient and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn’t really ethical to do it. But a little voice in his head said “ Don’t be hard on yourself lots of other doctors are having sex with their patients. Don’t worry you’re not the first”
This made the Doctor feel a bit better... Until yet another voice in his head said “ Mind you they probably aren’t vets.”
 
Client: “ How much to answer 3 questions “
Lawyers: “ £500 “
Client: “ That’s expensive “
Lawyer: “ yes it is, now what’s your third question? “
 
Fellow forum users, I need some help. How much is reasonable to spend on a bottle of wine?


Is 20-30 minutes excessive.....
 
One sunny day in late January 2021, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Trump." The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr Trump is no longer President and no longer resides here." The old man said, "Okay", and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Trump." The Marine repeated, "Sir, as I told you yesterday, Mr Trump is no longer President and no longer resides here." The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the old man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying again, "I would like to go in and meet with President Trump."The Marine, understandably irritated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you've been here asking to speak to Trump. I've told you each time that he's no longer the President and no longer resides here. Don't you get it?"The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it !"The Marine snapped to attention and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir.
 
Tripped over a box of Kleenex and thought I'd broken my ankle.



Fortunately, it's just tissue damage.....
 
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