General Jokes 🃏
- Thread starter behindthegoal
- Start date
chuckbert
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- Joined
- 8 Dec 2017
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- 6,740
#factcheck the laundry was not folded as it was removed from the machine.
Maurice Earp
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- 6 Dec 2017
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- 1,908
One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world. She was an innocent bride with no experience.
After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex.
The new bride asks, "What are them cows up to honey?"
The husband, a bit flustered, answers, "Why can’t you see? Them cows, they’re roping!"
She replies, "Oh, I see!"
After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex.
Again the bride asks, "What are them horses doing honey?"
The husband answers again, "Them horses, they’re roping!"
She replies, "Oh, I see!"
Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they start to explore each other’s bodies. Things are going along fine until the bride discovers her husband’s penis.
"Oh my!" she cries, "What is that?"
"Well, darlin’" he chuckles proudly, "That’s ma’rope!"
She slides her hands down further and gasps, "Oh my goodness! What are those?" she asks.
"Honey, those’re my knots!" he answers.
Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says, "Stop honey, wait a minute!"
Her husband, panting a little, asks, "What’s the matter honey, am I hurting you?"
"No," the bride replies, "undo them fuckin knots, I need more rope!"
After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex.
The new bride asks, "What are them cows up to honey?"
The husband, a bit flustered, answers, "Why can’t you see? Them cows, they’re roping!"
She replies, "Oh, I see!"
After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex.
Again the bride asks, "What are them horses doing honey?"
The husband answers again, "Them horses, they’re roping!"
She replies, "Oh, I see!"
Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they start to explore each other’s bodies. Things are going along fine until the bride discovers her husband’s penis.
"Oh my!" she cries, "What is that?"
"Well, darlin’" he chuckles proudly, "That’s ma’rope!"
She slides her hands down further and gasps, "Oh my goodness! What are those?" she asks.
"Honey, those’re my knots!" he answers.
Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says, "Stop honey, wait a minute!"
Her husband, panting a little, asks, "What’s the matter honey, am I hurting you?"
"No," the bride replies, "undo them fuckin knots, I need more rope!"
Surreal Madrid
Active member
- Joined
- 7 Dec 2017
- Messages
- 189
I've asked for Bonnie Tylers new cardiology DVD for Christmas this year. It's totally clips of the heart.
bazzer9461
God like member
- Joined
- 6 Dec 2017
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- 40,521
bazzer9461
God like member
- Joined
- 6 Dec 2017
- Messages
- 40,521
Paul Cannell
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- 7 Dec 2017
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- 7,399
Got a 'Medium Chicken' from Tesco for Sunday lunch. It was OK but I was quite surprised when i was putting it in the oven and it said "someone on the other side wants to talk to you."
Maurice Earp
Well-known member
- Joined
- 6 Dec 2017
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- 1,908
HOW TO STOP A GOSSIP
Mildred, the small-town gossip and self-appointed monitor
of church morals, was always one to stick her nose into
other people's business.
Most members of the congregation did not approve of her
intrusions, but she was feared, so all maintained their silence.
She took that fatal step too far one day when she accused
Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw
his old pickup parked in front of the small town's only bar all
afternoon. She emphatically told Frank (in front of several
others) that EVERYONE SEEING THAT pickup THERE
WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING!
Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment, then just
turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny.
He said nothing.
Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front
of Mildred's house, walked home...and left it there all night!
Mildred, the small-town gossip and self-appointed monitor
of church morals, was always one to stick her nose into
other people's business.
Most members of the congregation did not approve of her
intrusions, but she was feared, so all maintained their silence.
She took that fatal step too far one day when she accused
Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw
his old pickup parked in front of the small town's only bar all
afternoon. She emphatically told Frank (in front of several
others) that EVERYONE SEEING THAT pickup THERE
WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING!
Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment, then just
turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny.
He said nothing.
Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front
of Mildred's house, walked home...and left it there all night!
Surreal Madrid
Active member
- Joined
- 7 Dec 2017
- Messages
- 189
"Do you Karen, take Dave the optician, to be your lawful wedded husband. For better or worse. Better? or Worse?...Better? or Worse?...Better? or Worse?..."
bazzer9461
God like member
- Joined
- 6 Dec 2017
- Messages
- 40,521
bazzer9461
God like member
- Joined
- 6 Dec 2017
- Messages
- 40,521
bazzer9461
God like member
- Joined
- 6 Dec 2017
- Messages
- 40,521
bazzer9461
God like member
- Joined
- 6 Dec 2017
- Messages
- 40,521
bazzer9461
God like member
- Joined
- 6 Dec 2017
- Messages
- 40,521
Maurice Earp
Well-known member
- Joined
- 6 Dec 2017
- Messages
- 1,908
Two lip-reading deaf guys walk into a pub. One turns to the other and says (in a mongy deaf voice), "You go find a seat...I'll get the drinks in".
He walks up to the bar and says, "Bartender, could I please have two pints of lager?"
"Certainly," replies the barman, "That'll be £10."
"Ten pounds?" gasps the deaf guy, "That's a bit steep!"
"Oh, we've got some music on tonight," explains the barman, "That includes your entry fee."
The deaf guy starts doing the twist and asks, "Is it Boogie Woogie?"
"No."
The deaf guy does his best John Travolta impression and asks, "Is it Disco?"
"No."
The deaf guy shrugs his shoulders, "Well...what is it then?"
"Country and Western"
The deaf guy laughs, picks up his drinks and brings them over to his friend.
"How much were they?" asks his friend.
"Ten pounds."
"Ten pounds?" gasps the friend, "That's a bit steep!"
"Oh, they've got some music on tonight," explains the first deaf guy, "That includes our entry fee."
The second deaf guy starts doing the twist and asks, "Is it Boogie Woogie?"
"No."
The second deaf guy does his best John Travolta impression and asks, "Is it Disco?"
"No."
The second deaf guy shrugs his shoulders, "Well...what is it then?"
The first deaf guy laughs, "Some c**t from Preston."
He walks up to the bar and says, "Bartender, could I please have two pints of lager?"
"Certainly," replies the barman, "That'll be £10."
"Ten pounds?" gasps the deaf guy, "That's a bit steep!"
"Oh, we've got some music on tonight," explains the barman, "That includes your entry fee."
The deaf guy starts doing the twist and asks, "Is it Boogie Woogie?"
"No."
The deaf guy does his best John Travolta impression and asks, "Is it Disco?"
"No."
The deaf guy shrugs his shoulders, "Well...what is it then?"
"Country and Western"
The deaf guy laughs, picks up his drinks and brings them over to his friend.
"How much were they?" asks his friend.
"Ten pounds."
"Ten pounds?" gasps the friend, "That's a bit steep!"
"Oh, they've got some music on tonight," explains the first deaf guy, "That includes our entry fee."
The second deaf guy starts doing the twist and asks, "Is it Boogie Woogie?"
"No."
The second deaf guy does his best John Travolta impression and asks, "Is it Disco?"
"No."
The second deaf guy shrugs his shoulders, "Well...what is it then?"
The first deaf guy laughs, "Some c**t from Preston."