General Jokes 🃏

Ross the serial flasher was planning on taking early retirement

after reflecting and reconsidering for a while, he's decided to stick it out for another year
 
thankfully competitive live football, and soon test cricket too, are back on screen

it was reaching a stage with no decent sport to view, where I was considering
watching the World origami championships.... on paper veiw
 
Sarge said:
thankfully competitive live football, and soon test cricket too, are back on screen

it was reaching a stage with no decent sport to view, where I was considering
watching the World origami championships.... on paper veiw
Click to expand...
Sorry to tell you @Sarge, but the company promoting that folded last month.
 
a near neighbour of mine was in court a few days ago, charged with stealing a bag. The hearing was over in 5 minutes

..... it was a briefcase
 
I hear there is to be a round of applause for Vera Lynn.


Don't know where, don't know when......
 
What did the Norwegians and Japanese sing to celebrate the lifting of the embargo?
“Whale meat again ...”
 
pub landlord, while checking the register of customers 2 hours after opening on July 4th, says to the head bar person

"well, if mickey mouse contracts coronavirus 19, we'll have to contact pol pott, lord lucan, adolf hitler, James dean and marilyn monroe"
 
Beauty salons remain closed when pubs open

just as well that beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
 
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" He replied, "It was an ID ten T error." I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"
Harold grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?" "No," I replied. "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."



So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T - I used to like Harold............
 
Malc said:
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" He replied, "It was an ID ten T error." I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"
Harold grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?" "No," I replied. "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."



So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T - I used to like Harold............
Click to expand...
In my job, we don't use that, we use 'PICNIC', it was a picnic error.

Problem In Chair Not In Computer.
 
when she was younger, I caught my daughter chewing through an electrical cable

I had to ground her
 
I've just been released from jail after being found guilty of defacing library books by using Tipex to cover over all the full stops.


It was a long sentence.........
 
A man goes to the Doctors and says “Doc, you gotta help me - one of my balls has turned blue."
The doctor examines the man briefly and concludes the patient will die if he doesn't have his testicle removed.
The man is crestfallen and initially refuses to undergo the knife.
"If we don't operate, you will die" says the doctor, so reluctantly the patient agrees.


Two weeks after the operation, he’s back. "Doc, I don't know how to say this, but the other ball has turned blue too."
Again, the doctor tells him if he wants to live, his other testicle must be cut off and again the man is unwilling to go ahead.
"Do you want to die?" the doctor asks and so grudgingly, the man agrees to have his other testicle removed.


Two weeks later, he's back again. "Doc, I think something is very wrong with me. My penis is now completely blue."
After a brief examination, the doc gives him the bad news - if he wants to live, his penis has to go.
Of course, the patient does not want to hear it. "How will I pee?" he asks.
"We'll install a plastic pipe and there will be no problem."
So the old John Thomas is removed.


Two more weeks elapse and the unfortunate man returns to the doctor's office. He is very angry.
"Doctor, the plastic pipe has turned blue!"
"What!" says the Doc "That’s impossible – let me examine you again"
After a thorough and painstaking examination, the doctor returns to his desk, looks the man straight in the eye and asks "Are your jeans colour fast?"
 
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