General Jokes 🃏

I've just eaten a piece of steak so tough it didn't even cry during the last 10 minutes of Toy Story 3.
 
I went into a bookshop,
I asked the person behind the counter. " Do you have a book about small willies"?"
They replied. " It's not in yet "
I said. " That's the one "
 
A bloke met a fairy today who granted him one wish.
"I want to live forever," he said.
"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."
"Fine," he said, "I want to die when Swindon beat Oxford then."
"You crafty c**t" said the fairy.:)
 
with money being tight atm, I heard of a furloughed Airline pilot who's doing a bit of painting and decorating cash in hand jobs, so I enlisted him for a a bit of decorating that needed sorting

gotta say, he made a lovely job of the landing
 
Sarge said:
with money being tight atm, I heard of a furloughed Airline pilot who's doing a bit of painting and decorating cash in hand jobs, so I enlisted him for a a bit of decorating that needed sorting

gotta say, he made a lovely job of the landing
Click to expand...
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the usually bustling City of Cairo, like most places in the world, went into total lockdown due to the coronavirus pandemic.
From a busy, bustling place it went to near silence, the residents were not dealing well with the lockdown invoked eirie quiet, the people of Cairo's mental health & general well being was being seriously challenged. In a bid to improve the peoples well being, the mayor instructed Cairo taxi drivers to drive around the city streets for two hours during the early evening, sounding their vehicles horns while driving. The experiment was a resounding success, its now a nightly event in Cairo and across Egypt , between 7 and 9pm, locals have christened the practice Toot and Calm'em
 
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Has the CV19 pandemic forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time?

you may be entitled to condensation
 
the flat earth society are claiming that all the 2m social distancing is pushing some of their members over the edge
 
so bored currently, starved of sport, any sport , to watch

I found myself watching Women's golf yesterday on TV

it seems nothing much has changed, they're still not much good at driving,
but very good with an iron
 
traffic police in Liverpool pull over a local lad in his car for a spot check

they were amazed to find the car was taxed, insured and had a valid MOT

it wasn't stolen, there were no contaband goods or drugs found anywhere in the car

the driver was stone cold sober and had a clean , full driving license

He was given an on the spot £80 fine .... for wasting police time
 
when you visit slimmingworld website for the first time, and it asks you to accept cookies, is it a test?
 
I paid a carpenter up front to make me a kingsize four poster bed

two weeks later, he's done a bunk
 
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