General Jokes πŸƒ

my daughter asked for a pet spider for her birthday , so I went to the local pet shop, they were charging Β£70 for a spider!
I thought to myself I reckon I could get one cheaper off the web
 
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician.

'Doctor,' the man said,

'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!!'

'Nonsense,' the doctor said...
'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'
'It isn't possible,' the man insisted.
'This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.'
"Well, said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex???"
The man seemed a bit ashamed..
'I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.'
'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently....
"It's Rust."....
 
Sizeable spider had the missus screaming...."dont kill it, dont kill, take it out" was the instruction

So i took it down the pub for a couple of beers, turned out the spider was ok,told me he fancies becoming a web designer
 
Wife was really chuffed when I told her that I'd managed to book the last table for Valentine's night.



The snooker club is normally packed on a Friday............
 
A Muslim has been shot with a starting pistol...police say its definitely race related.

Due to a water shortage in Dublin, the swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8

Just booked a table for Valentines Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though...she’s crap at snooker
 
The other day I was in The Hobgoblin having a quiet beer by myself.

The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'11'' tall, clear blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top.

I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.

After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer, but no sooner had I taken a sip when she pulled another bar stool up close to me and sat down.

She said 'Hi', and I said 'Hi' in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.

'So, does that make you feel good ?' she asked. 'I'll bet you feel good,' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.'

'Well, I have,' I corrected her. 'You see, when I was 18, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the Public School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good.'

I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go, but she took my hand off her thigh and pushed it up the front of her top.

Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.

'How do you feel now,' she purred.

'OK' I replied.

Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!'

Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The Opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it... I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, handed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped the ball over their fullback, re-gathered it and scored a try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds left until full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal with which to win the match and........ '

"Ahhh...." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed. She pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt.

My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton !!!!

She whispered, 'Well tell me this, Mr. Rugby Man: Have you ever felt such a perfect c**t?'

'I certainly have,' I answered, 'I missed the kick.
 
I went to a fancy dress party dressed as an alarm clock ... I ended up leaving a lot earlier than planned,... people kept winding me up!
 
I was puzzled, and a bit concerned that every time my daughter saw a biro lid she uncontrollably burst into tears

I took her to see our GP ,.... it seems shes suffering from pen top emotions
 
A woman went to A&E , where she was seen by a young new Doctor ...

After about 3 minutes being examined , the Doctor told her she was pregnant ...

She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming ...

An older Doctor stopped her , and asked what the problem was ...! ?

After listening to her story , he calmed her down and sat her in another room ...

Then , the older Doctor marched down the hallway to the first Doctor's room ...

"What the hell's WRONG with you .?" he demanded ... "This woman is 68 years old , she has two grown children , AND several grandchildren , and you told her she was pregnant ...!! ?"

The new Doctor continued to write on his clipboard , and "without looking up" said ... ,

"Does she still have the hiccups ...?"
 
I just started writing a detective novel, the hero is an ex-footballer from the Midlands who likes to be hurt. It's called "Venus Infers".
 
If it sells, a follow-up with the same hero will use characters from Hardy's "The Return of the Native", it'll be called "Venus in Furze".
 
I left my smartphone under my pillow when i went to sleep last night

When i woke up the 'phone was gone , in its place was a pound coin

Thatll be the work of the bluetooth fairy
 
A Drunk man is stopped by the Police around 1 am & is asked where he is going at this time of night.?
The man replies, "I am going to a lecture on alcohol abuse & ill effects on my health."
Officer : Really ?...Sounds interesting, who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
Man replies "My Wife"!!......
 
woke up today and found myself exclaiming 'Oooooh Matron' every few seconds

went to A & E at the JR , theyre taking it seriously, Im about to be tested for...

CarryonVirus
 
Everyone at John Lennon Airport have been quarantined.
Imagine all the people.
 
when I had a head of hair ( long time ago now ), admittedly there were more than several outlandish hair styles I sported for a while, .... however, a man bun was something I wouldnt ever have consideredd - to each their own I guess.... and what inspired the man bun? ......


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