General Jokes 🃏

I saw Cliff Richard in my local Chinese takeaway recently. The owner said to him, "You sing my favourite song I give you free meal." Cliff replied, "Sure what do you want to hear." The man said, "Itchy sore fanny!" Cliff looked confused an said, "Sorry that's not one of my songs, The man replied, " you know the one, Itchy Sore fanny how we don't talk anymore."...
 
A bakery owner hires a young female assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thongs.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.
The assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the top shelf.
The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.
As she retrieves the second loaf
One of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder,
"Why the unusual interest in the bread?"
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below.
Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.
Thinking that she can save herself another trip,
She yells at the elderly man,
"Is it raisin for you too?"
"No," he stammers, "But it's quivering a little!! ..........
 
Female Weightlifting champion has a 'problem' so she visits her doctor

'doctor, I have to admit Ive been taking steroids, and I appear to be growing a cock'

doc enquires 'anabolic?'

'no' she replies 'just a cock'
 
There has been a recent survey on how people walk home from the pub

Im told the results are staggering
 
Avoid buying boxers shorts , briefs or any sort of mens underwear thats made in ukraine

Apparently chernobyl fall off
 
A man goes into a brothel and walks up to the madam.
"What can I get for £5", asks the man. "Not much", says the madam, "but I suppose you might get a "penguin".
The man isn't sure what a "penguin" is but, being desperate, he hands over the cash.
The madam takes him into a back room and tells him to drop his trousers.
A prostitute then comes into the room and starts doing a striptease.
Just as the man is getting excited, the prostitute turns her back on him and leaves.
The man waddles after her with his trousers round his ankles.
"Hey!!" he shouts "What the hell is a penguin???"
 
I have just quickly taken a poll. Apparently 100% of the other people in the tent are "angry"
 
Two cannibals are discussing cooking tips. "I've tried everything with those missionaries," says one "I've baked them and I've boiled them. Nothing makes a difference; they're as tough as old boots."
"What kind of missionaries are they?" asks the second cannibal.
They're the sort that wear brown robes and have bald patches on top of their heads," replies the first cannibal
"Well, there's your answer," replies the second cannibal
"They're not boilers or bakers; they're friars"
 
The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village pub where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'
OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know..
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.
 
Visiting Merseyside i mistakenly thought i saw the first Scouser super hero

Saw a fella in a shell suit, with a cape billowing behind him ,running full tilt down the street

Turned out he hadnt paid for his haircut
 
A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back." "Have a nice weekend," said the officer........
 
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