General Jokes 🃏

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads...
 
An old snake goes to get his eyes checked. It turns out that he needs glasses quite badly and after visiting Specsavers he slithers away wearing a pair of thick spectacles.
A week later he returns enquiring about contact lenses. As he looked so depressed the opticians asked "whats wrong, is everything alright, are the glasses ok?" "They're fine", the snake replies glumly, "They're really useful when it comes to catching food and the like".
"So why the long face?" asks the optician.
The snake sighs and says "Well, when I got home, I slithered over to show my wife my new glasses and I discovered I'd spent the last two years living with a hose-pipe.
 
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A man comes home from work and complains about the packed lunch his wife had made for him. "It was disgusting", he says. "it was the most disgusting sandwich I've ever tasted. What on earth was it?" Crab paste," his wife replies. "It must have been off," says the husband. "How long ago did you buy it?" It was only a day old," replies his wife. "I got it yesterday. The pharmacy was having a sale."
 
Went for a testicle check up today.
The little Thai nurse cupped my balls and said “Don’t worry, it’s quite normal to get an erection during this procedure”.
I said “ I haven’t got an erection”.
She said “No, but I have”.
 
Following the MEP elections where Change UK party lost thier deposit in pretty much evey constituency they challenged for....a spokesperson for the party has announced there will be , effective from now, a name (err) change. In future they will be known as ....' have you got any change uk party'
 
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A man walks into a bar and it's empty - it's just him and the bartender. He sits down and orders a drink.
He hears someone whisper, "Pssst...I like your tie." The man looks around but doesn't see anyone.
"Pssst...that colour looks nice on you."
He asks the bartender, "Excuse me, but...are you speaking to me?"
The bartender rolls his eyes and says, "No, sorry about that. It's the peanuts... they're complimentary."
 
Maurice Earp said:
A man walks into a bar and it's empty - it's just him and the bartender. He sits down and orders a drink.
He hears someone whisper, "Pssst...I like your tie." The man looks around but doesn't see anyone.
"Pssst...that colour looks nice on you."
He asks the bartender, "Excuse me, but...are you speaking to me?"
The bartender rolls his eyes and says, "No, sorry about that. It's the peanuts... they're complimentary."
Click to expand...

The guy hears further whispers...

"You got one ugly mug on you, chap."
"You look weak as hell, could probably knock you over with a feather."
"You married? Bet your wife isn't too happy in the bedroom. At least not when you're involved."

The man asks the barman what happened with the complimentary peanuts.

"Oh, that's not the peanuts. That's the jukebox in the corner, it's out of order."
 
Mr Singh walks into a bank London and asks for the loan officer. He says he's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so Mr Singh hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, which costs quarter of a million pounds.

“The car is parked on the street in front of the bank,” says Mr Singh, “and I have all the necessary papers.”

The bank officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. After Mr Singh leaves, the loan officer, the bank's president and all their colleagues enjoy a good laugh at the man for using a £250,000 Rolls Royce as collateral against a £5,000 loan.
One of the employees drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, Mr Singh returns, repays the £5000 and the interest, which comes to £15.41.
The loan officer says, "Sir, I must tell you, we’re all a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and discovered that you’re a multimillionaire. Why would you bother to borrow £5,000?"
The man replies, "Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41?"
 
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