General Jokes 🃏

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, Silverblack gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.
He suggested: "Now maybe pucker your lips and wiggle your bottom, see what that does."
She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
The husband then suggested she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.
She did... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
"Now..... show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said.
This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips.
The husband smiled sweetly at his wife as he opened the cage door and shoved her in. "Now Tell him you have a headache.
 
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair
of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
 
Called one of those will writing companies and asked them if they could dispose of my estate after I die.

"Just leave it to us" they said....
 
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Been sitting in A&E for the last three hours. I really don't want to get into the details, so let's just say that "Dyson Ball Cleaner" is a very misleading name and leave it at that.......
 
Been sitting in A&E for the last three hours. I really don't want to get into the details, so let's just say that "Dyson Ball Cleaner" is a very misleading name and leave it at that.......
Very sad to hear about your accident, although this is the Jokes section. You should have posted this in 'Miscellaneous'.
 
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A daughter goes to her father and asks why did you name my brother Azzip. Her father said because Azzip when spelt backwards spells pizza and your mum loves pizza . Thanks dad said the girl , that’s alright Lana replied the dad
 
Did you know that by replacing your morning coffee and biscuits with green tea and tofu, you can lose up to 87% of what little joy you still have left in your life...
 
A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. "Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."
Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
He turned to his wife: "Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?"
"Nonsense," said the wife, "You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."
The husband climbed out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. Damn, you're right.
 
A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his 'manhood' into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic. Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line with his mobile phone (Thank god for mobile phones!). 'Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works Fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?' 'Don't worry,' replied the customer service rep, 'The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons.' Have a nice day..:ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO:
 
If Mums have Mother’s Day
If Fathers have Father’s Day
If Couples have Valentine’s Day
What do single men have?………….

Palm Sunday
 
Patrick O'Malley hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" - and he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.
In bed later that night, he told his wife: "Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?"
So he told her: "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh," she said, "that is very nice, dear."
The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy's drinking partners in the street. Mischievously, the man said: "Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?"
She replied: "Aye - and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he's only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come".

 
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