General Jokes 🃏

[Maurice Earp]

Gladys is the preacher’s wife and accompanies her husband to church each Sunday, always sitting in the front pew,
supporting him as he delivers his sermon…
She takes pride in being part of the congregation and loves engaging with the church community.
One particular Sunday, the preacher is especially passionate, and his sermon stretches on longer than usual…
The topic is profound, but the congregation, perhaps tired from a long week, starts to struggle with staying alert.
Slowly but surely, heads begin to nod, and eyes begin to close…
By the time the sermon finally concludes, many in the congregation have succumbed to sleep.

After the service, always sociable and eager to connect, Gladys decides to mingle with the congregation…
She notices one gentleman who looks particularly groggy, his eyes barely open and a sleepy expression on his face.
Determined to be friendly and perhaps wake him up a bit, she walks over to him with a warm smile…
Extending her hand in greeting, she says cheerfully, “Hello, I’m Gladys Dunn.”
The gentleman, still in a bit of a daze and rubbing his eyes, looks up at her and replies with a weary smile…
“You’re not the only one!”

 

[Maurice Earp]

A cowboy decides to buy a horse from a preacher…
As the money changes hands, the preacher warns him, “Now this isn’t a regular horse. I’ve taught this one different commands… “
“To get him to run, you must say “Hallelujah!” And to make him stop you must say “Amen”.”
The cowboy thanks him and rides off on his new horse.
Later that afternoon, the cowboy decides to test out the horse…
He saddles up and mounts, then kicks his heels, yelling “Heyahh!”…
The horse just stands there, unmoving.
Oh yeah, the rancher thinks, remembering what the preacher said, “Hallelujah!”
As the horse bolts into a dead run, the rancher holds on for dear life…

“Woah! Slow down!” He yells while pulling hard at the reins.
But the horse continues running at top speed, straight for the edge of a tall cliff.
“Stop! Woah!” he continues…
The horse wouldn’t stop or even slow down.
As the cliff gets closer and closer, the cowboy realizes he is about to die and quickly prays…
“God, save my soul and forgive my sins, Amen.”
Suddenly, the horse slides to a stop, right at the very edge of the cliff.
The cowboy, giddy with relief, shouts…
“Hallelujah!”

 

[Oxymoron]

Just had an email from my proctologist informing me that he’s now fully digital…...

 

[QR]

Just had an email from my proctologist informing me that he’s now fully digital…...

Hands up (if you had to look it up).

 

[Grumpy Git]

I’m a Gynaecologist, but I’ve gone part time. I only did it to keep my hand in.

 

[Eaststanding]

Talking of hands,
FOR SALE:
90S ICONIC SOOTY AND SWEEP PUPPETS
ANY OFFER ACCEPTED
JUST WANT THEM OFF MY HANDS

 

[Surreal Madrid]

My mate got caught trying to climb over the fence at Glastonbury. He was told to go back and watch Coldplay...

 

[Oxymoron]

I read a rather over-elaborate book last night on how to end sentences with Beatles song titles.

That's two hours of my life I won't get back....

 

[QR]

 

[Emilio]

Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.

Wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad.

 

[Maurice Earp]

A man gets home early from work, and catches his wife in bed with another man…
The husband challenges the other man to an old-fashioned duel with his handguns, whoever manages to shoot first and kill the other gets his wife.

The other man agrees, so they go into another room, so the wife doesn’t have to see it.
Once in the other room, the husband turns to the other man and says, “Why should either of us have to die?…
We will both fire a shot into the air and lay on the ground as if we’re dead…
When she comes in she will see our ‘lifeless’ bodies and rush to one of us, whoever she chooses can have her.”
The other man agrees again, so they fire into the air and collapse.

The wife throws the door open and peers down at the two men then backs out of the room and calls out…
“Darling, you can come out, they’re both dead!”

 

[Maurice Earp]

A woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask a few questions.”
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, “What is your occupation?”
The woman replies, “I’m a whore.”
The accountant balks and says, “No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let’s try to rephrase that.”
The woman, “Ok, I’m a prostitute.”
“No, that is still too crude. Try again.”
They both think for a minute, then the woman states, “I’m a chicken farmer.”
The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?”
“Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year.

 

[Emilio]

Which department of the secret suppressors is in charge of turning the moon on every night?

The Lunarnati

 

[Peterdev]

Hands up (if you had to look it up).

I think I know what they do

 

[QR]

 

[FatOldSun]

Due to a typing error, we're spending a week on the Norfolk B-roads.

 

[FatOldSun]

Not a joke but it's in bad taste!

 

[Malc]

Dutch and then English.

 

[FatOldSun]

Dutch and then English.

Flemish really, but same difference.

 

[BeechRoadBokelberg]

Just come back from a party at Errol Brown's. He put on a good buffet....

It started with a quiche.