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General Jokes 🃏

Did a stand-up comedy gig at Battersea Dogs' Home over the weekend.


It was going great until I put down a heckler....
 
Husband: "For 29 years all you have done is correct everything I say"

Wife: "28 years"
 
Oxford get drawn v Sw*ndon in the cup, but neither Jim (an Oxford fan) nor Bob (a Sw*ndon fan) are able to book the day off work.

"Tell you what!" says Jim "Why don't we watch the recording of the game back together tomorrow? Neither of us checks the score, so that we watch it as if it's live. What do you reckon?"

Taking a second to think it over, Bob agrees.


The next day, as they sit down to watch the match, Bob says "How about be have a little wager? £50 says Sw*ndon beat Oxford!"

"Well I see your money and double it!" replies Jim "Oxford will absolutely smash Sw*ndon for 6!"

They shake on it, and sit down to watch the match together.

Sure as eggs is eggs, Oxford batter Sw*ndon 6-0.

"Fair enough!" says Bob, as he hands over a wad of cash to Jim. "Here's your money, you won it fair and square!"

"No... I didn't..." says Jim, overcome by a sense of honesty. "To tell you the truth, Bob, when I came home last night I watched the highlights on MOTD. I already knew we'd beaten you 6-0. I'm sorry for my dishonesty" he apologised.

"Well so did I!" replies Bob "I watched it last night too, but I didn't believe we could possible lose that badly again!"
 
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My son is taking part in a social experiment. For two weeks he has to wear a Swindon shirt to see how people react.
So far he’s been spat on, punched and had a bottle of P**s thown at him.
I’m curious to see what happens to him when he leaves the house.
 
Rishi Sunak and Keir Starmer are on a plane. Sunak looked at Starmer and said, I could throw £1000 out of the window right now and make someone happy.
Starmer replied I could throw twenty £50 notes out and make 20 people happy
Hearing the exchange the pilot said to his pilot, I could throw both out and make 64 million people very very happy
 
My wife said she wanted to donate some of her old clothes to people that are starving.

"If they fit into your clothes, they're not starving" I quipped.


The hospital is keeping me in for observation.....
 
Paddy and Mick are in a 2 man aeroplane that’s spiralling out of control.
Mick says if the plane turns upside down, d’ya think we’ll fall out.
Of course not replies paddy, we’ve been mates for years.
 
Paddy and Mick are in a 2 man aeroplane that’s spiralling out of control.
Mick says if the plane turns upside down, d’ya think we’ll fall out.
Of course not replies paddy, we’ve been mates for years.
Even s**t jokes shouldn't be couched in a bigoted way. Grow up.
 
Kia are to release a new high breed car
Voiced controlled u turn included.
It’s called the Kia starma
 
Paddy and Mick are having a few pints in the local in hilltown.
Paddy’s says to Mick I’ve promised Mary I’ll be home by 11, so I’ll be off after this one.
Mick has another and heads home 15 minutes later, and comes across paddy being intamate with a sheep with its head stuck in some railings.
Paddy shouts hey Mick do you fancy a go.
Mick replies no chance I’ll never get my head out of those railings
 
A man goes to a golf course, and tells the club pro he’s taught a gorilla to play golf…
The club pro is understandably sceptical until he glances outside and sees a gorilla holding a golf club.
“The way he drives the ball,” the man says, mimicking a huge swing, “is just amazing.”
“I’ll believe it when I see it,” the pro replies.
The man tells the pro, “I’ll bet you fifty pounds he can beat you.”
After giving this some thought, the pro decides he could use an easy fifty quid…
They shake hands on it, and the three of them head out to the first hole together.

The pro tees up first…
He winds up and drives the ball almost three hundred yards down the fairway.
He grins briefly, as the man sets a tee and ball for the gorilla.
The gorilla approaches the ball and swings…
launching a missile right down the centre of the fairway, over four hundred yards.
The ball lands on the green, five yards from the hole.
Flabbergasted, the pro is speechless.
As they walk down the fairway together, the man says to the pro…
“Look bud, I don’t want to waste your time or cause any embarrassment in front of anyone else out here.
You want to just slip me the fifty pounds and we’ll call it good?”
Seeing a painful and shameful loss in his immediate future, the pro reluctantly agrees and forks over the money.
As they’re leaving the pro says, “Hey, just since I’m curious, how’s his putting?”
“Oh,” the man says, mimicking a huge swing…
“Absolutely awful.”
 
Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat.

They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.
Before long, along came a little old man.
The son said, “Oh Dad, there’s one.”
“No,” said the father, “There’s not enough meat on that one to feed the dogs…
We’ll just wait.”
A little while later, along came this really fat woman.
The son said, “Hey Dad, she’s plenty big enough.”
“No,” the father said, “We’d all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one…
We’ll just wait.”
About an hour later, comes an absolutely gorgeous woman.
The son said, “Now there’s nothing wrong with that one dad, let’s eat her.”
“No,” said the father, “We’ll not eat her either.”
“Why not?” asked the son.
“Because we’re going to take her back alive…
and eat your mother.”
 
An 84-year-old man is having a drink at bar.
Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away.
The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her.
After a short while, the girl notices him staring and approaches him.
Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone:
"I'll do anything you'd like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter how extreme
or unusual it is, I'm game. I want £100.00, and there's another condition."'
Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is.
"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman.
He whips out his wallet and puts £100.00 into her hand...
He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly: "Paint my house."
Our needs change as we get older, and we tend to look for bargains...
 
An elderly couple notices that they are getting more forgetful, so they decide to go to the doctor…
The doctor tells them that they should start writing things down, so they won’t forget.
After the couple gets home, the old lady asks her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream…
“You might want to write it down,” she says.
The husband replies, “No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream.”
She then asks her husband to put some whipped cream on it…
“Write it down,” she tells him.
Again, he says, “No, I can remember. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream.”
The old lady adds that she would like a cherry on top…
“Write it down,” she tells her husband.
And again, he says, “No, I’ve got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top.”
About 30 minutes later, the old man returns from the kitchen…
He hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
The wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband, shakes her head in disgust, and asks…
“Where’s the toast?”
 
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