General Jokes 🃏

Nicked from Facebook.
A man is on his deathbed so he asks his wife, “Martha, soon I will be gone forever, and there’s something I have to know. In all these 50 years of our marriage, have you ever been unfaithful to me?”
Martha replied, “ Well, Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes I’ve been unfaithful to you three times on those 50 years, but always for a good reason.”
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession but said ,” I never suspected you, can you tell me what you mean by “good reasons?”
Martha said, “ The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening when I went to see a banker, and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, “ I can forgive you for that because you saved our house, but what about the second time?”
Martha asked, “ and do you remember when you were so sick and we don’t have money to pay for the heart surgery you that you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night, and in three days he did a surgery for free.”
“ I recall that, “ said Henry. “ And you did it to save my life, so of course, I can forgive you for that.” Now tell me the third time.”
“Alright,” Martha said, do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club and you needed 73 more votes?”
 
Tony Blair, the legendary Middle East Peace Envoy scheduled a goodwill visit to Jerusalem, complete with cameras, speeches, and meaningful nodding.
Midway through explaining how history would remember him kindly, he suddenly went pale, staggered… and dramatically died from a heart attack.
After the commotion died down, a funeral arranger approached the British entourage.
“To return him to Britain will cost £50,000,” he explained. “However, burial here in the Holy Land would be just £100.”
The delegation stepped aside to deliberate.
They returned quickly.
“We’ll pay to send him back.”
The arranger looked surprised.
“Why spend £50,000 when he could rest here in sacred soil for £100?”
A senior aide leaned in and said quietly:
“A long time ago, a man died here, was laid to rest here… and three days later he came back to life.”
 
I went for an interview at the circus the other day and the circus owner said 'right then, what can you do?'

I replied 'I can do a really good bird impression'

'Ah, we've already got someone who can do that' said the circus owner.

'Oh well, nevermind' I replied so I got up and flew out of the tent....
 
Went for a job as a lion tamer and the ring master said sir and watch this. A very beautiful young lady stepped into the circus ring and the lions cage was brought in and covered so the lion couldn’t see.
The young lady stepped up to the cage and removed the cover and opened the gate and stepped in.
The lion started to growl and snarl and slowly started to walk towards the young lady, the young lady removed her dress and the lion slumped to the floor still snarling and moving towards her slower.
The young lady then removed her bra and knickers at this point the lion stopped growling and moved towards he making 5 tracks in the saw dust, when the lion reached her the lion started to lick her all over. Suddenly the ring master spoke up and said “ can you do this “ and the job applicant said “ get that lion out of
There and yes I can “
 
A young couple are on their honeymoon…
The husband is sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub, thinking to himself…
“Now, how can I tell my wife that I’ve got really smelly feet, and that my socks absolutely stink?
I’ve managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she’s bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink…
Now, how do I tell her?”
Meanwhile, the wife is sitting on the bed thinking to herself, “Now, how do I tell my husband that I’ve got really bad breath?
I’ve been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he’s lived with me for a week, he’s bound to find out…
Now, how do I tell him gently?”
The husband finally gets up enough courage to tell his wife, and walks into the bedroom…
He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, and puts his arm around her.
Then he moves his face very close to hers and says, “Darling, I’ve got a confession to make.”
She says, “So have I love.”
To which he replies, “Don’t tell me…
You’ve eaten my socks!”
 
Dave slid onto his usual barstool at the local pub, grinning as he’d just won the lottery.
The bartender looked up and said, “Well, you seem awfully pleased with yourself tonight. What’s going on?”
Dave puffed out his chest proudly. “I’ve just realized my wife loves me more than any woman has ever loved any man.”
The bartender chuckled. “That’s a bold statement. What makes you so sure?”
Dave leaned in, lowering his voice like he was about to reveal a great secret.
“Well, last week I came down with a nasty cold and had to stay home from work for two full days. Fever, cough, the whole miserable package.”
The bartender nodded. “And?”
Dave smiled even wider. “She was absolutely overjoyed to have me around.
Every single time the postman, a courier, or even the grocery delivery person came by, she’d dash to the front door, run halfway down the driveway
waving both arms, and shouting at the top of her lungs…
My husband’s home! My husband’s home!”
 
An old, well established and respected Blacksmith realised he would have to retire quite soon.
He picked a very strong looking man to become his apprentice.
The old blacksmith was crabby, exacting and to the point.
"Don't ask me a lot of questions whilst we work" he told the young man, "Just do as I say".
One day he took out an iron ingot that had been warming/getting very hot from the forge and laid
it on the anvil.
"Get the hammer from over there", he said and "When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard".
The town is now looking for a new Blacksmith :ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO:
 
My mother-in-law is famous for cooking tiny portions, and whenever we eat at hers we always end up leaving still feeling quite hungry. We got invited round for dinner last night, so I messaged my wife to ask "Do you fancy being cheeky and having a quiche before we go?"

She replied "We don't have time for that! Plus, we're out of condoms."
 
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