General Jokes 🃏

Not a joke, this is a genuine dream/nightmare I had last night, which was horrid at the time, but retrospectively I can laugh about it:

I turned up to play Sunday league, but the coach had left the kits at home. The only shirt available for me to wear was a Man Utd shirt, which I grumpily put on.

Before the match started, I stepped into a portaloo for a pre-match pee, but its previous user hasn't flushed it. Before I could leave, the portaloo shook violently and toilet's un-flushed content sprayed all over me.

There I was, covered in s**t...

...and then the toilet's contents sprayed all over me.
 
Statistically only one in seven dwarves are happy.

The others are Grumpy, Bashful, Sneezy...
 
I used to share a house with an Eastern European. We each had our own chores to do around the house, and he opted for the hoovering. After a couple of weeks, I decided to swap jobs with him because he took absolutely ages, and I wanted watch TV. To be fair, it's not his fault - he's a Slovak.
 
A woman with a passion for gardening was growing increasingly frustrated. No matter what she did, her tomatoes just wouldn’t turn red.
One afternoon, while walking past her neighbor’s garden, she couldn’t help but admire the vibrant, perfectly red tomatoes hanging from the plants.
Curiosity got the better of her, and she stopped to ask, “Your tomatoes are amazing! How do you get them to turn so red?”
The neighbor chuckled and said, “It’s simple. Twice a day, I stand in front of my tomato plants and... expose myself. The tomatoes get so embarrassed, they turn red!”
The woman laughed but decided she had nothing to lose. For the next two weeks, she tried the unconventional method, faithfully exposing herself to her tomato plants
morning and evening.
One day, the neighbor stopped by, grinning. “Well,” he asked, “did my trick work? Are your tomatoes red yet?”
The woman sighed and shook her head. “Not quite...
but my cucumbers are absolutely enormous!”
 
A woman goes into a pet shop and sees a parrot at a good price, when she asks about the parrot the shopkeeper says 'it's a good price for a reason, the parrot lived in a brothel'. Undeterred the woman took the parrot home and took the cover off the cage, where upon the parrot said, 'Oh new room, hello new room very nice'. A bit later the woman's daughters came home and the parrot said, 'Oh new girls, very nice, hello new girls'. A bit later on the woman's husband comes home and the parrot says, 'Hello Keith'.
 
In an attempt to continue with their plans for a Judicial Review despite not having raised enough money to hire a legal team to represent them, Friends of Stratfield Brake have announced their intention to obtain a lawyer from Ikea.


A spokesman for the group said "Although this approach is very affordable, we will have to build our own case....."
 
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered."
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained
"Love dress? But you're naked!”
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me”
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?
He never heard the gunshot.
 
A man walks into a bar and orders 4 pints of beer and 4 gin and tonics. The barman says "would you like a tray?" To which the man replies "Don't you think I have enough to carry?".
 
Was in Tesco recently, got to the checkout and there were a couple of chaps in front of me. The girl on the till had just finished “swiping” the first guys shopping when he said “Damn, I forgot to get condoms”. The checkout girl said “That won’t be a problem, I can get someone to bring some to the till. What size do you want?” “Oh, I hadn’t really thought” he said and quick as a flash, she plunged her hands into his trousers and then announces over the intercom “Packet of large condoms to checkout ten, please”.

I exchanged a knowing glance with the chap in front of me and after he had his shopping swiped, he said “Oh, I need some condoms too, but I don’t know my size either”. Once again, the girl dives into his pants and then announces “Packet of medium condoms to checkout ten, please”.

So, my turn and I thought this was too good an opportunity to miss, so I say ”Can I get some condoms too? I’m not sure of my size”. The girl springs into action for a third time and after a few seconds, she picks up the intercom and calls out “In-store cleaner to checkout ten”......
 
Nicked from Facebook.

After the wedding ceremony, the newlyweds headed straight to their hotel to enjoy the first night of their honeymoon.
They popped a bottle of champagne and started getting undressed. When the groom peeled off his socks, his bride stared at his feet in horror.
“Yikes! What happened to your feet?” she asked. “Your toes look bumpy. Why are they so messed up?”
“I had tolio when I was a kid,” he replied calmly.
“Don’t you mean polio?” she asked.
“No, tolio,” he said. “It only affected my toes.”
That seemed to satisfy her, and they carried on.
A moment later, he slipped off his trousers. Once again, she grimaced.
“Now what’s wrong with your knees?” she demanded. “They’re all knobbly and deformed!”
“I had kneasles as a child too,” he explained.
“You mean measles?” she asked.
“No—kneasles. Same sort of thing, but it only hit my knees.”
The bride sighed, accepted the explanation, and watched as he finally removed his underwear.
“Don’t tell me,” she said. “Let me guess…. Smallcox?”
 
Maurice Earp said:
Nicked from Facebook.

After the wedding ceremony, the newlyweds headed straight to their hotel to enjoy the first night of their honeymoon.
They popped a bottle of champagne and started getting undressed. When the groom peeled off his socks, his bride stared at his feet in horror.
“Yikes! What happened to your feet?” she asked. “Your toes look bumpy. Why are they so messed up?”
“I had tolio when I was a kid,” he replied calmly.
“Don’t you mean polio?” she asked.
“No, tolio,” he said. “It only affected my toes.”
That seemed to satisfy her, and they carried on.
A moment later, he slipped off his trousers. Once again, she grimaced.
“Now what’s wrong with your knees?” she demanded. “They’re all knobbly and deformed!”
“I had kneasles as a child too,” he explained.
“You mean measles?” she asked.
“No—kneasles. Same sort of thing, but it only hit my knees.”
The bride sighed, accepted the explanation, and watched as he finally removed his underwear.
“Don’t tell me,” she said. “Let me guess…. Smallcox?”
Click to expand...
(y) Dame Lucy Bun & Reg :LOL:
 
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