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General Jokes 🃏

Everyone seems worried about AI. I'm more concerned about what the other vowels are up to.

(From this year’s Edinburgh fringe)
 
An elderly couple walked into a McDonald’s and sat down at a table near some young people who were having dinner.
The old man approached the counter and placed an order for one meal. He returned, unwrapped the hamburger, carefully cut it in half, and placed one half in front of his wife. Then he gently counted out the fries and split them evenly between them.
He placed two straws into the soda and set it between them.
The old woman began to eat her half of the burger while the man just watched.
From time to time, he took a small sip of the drink, but he never touched the food.
People around them started to notice and looked on with quiet sympathy.
A young man approached and politely offered to buy them another meal so they wouldn’t have to share.
The woman smiled and said kindly, “Thank you, but we’re used to sharing everything.”
Still, the man hadn’t eaten a bite. He simply watched as his wife enjoyed her meal.
The young man returned and offered again.
This time, the old man responded, “Thank you, but we really do share everything.”
The young man paused for a moment, then asked:
“But sir… what are you waiting for?”
The old man smiled and said:
“The teeth.”
 
A widow and widower lived next door to each other. They had been neighbours for over 30 years, but each had lost their spouse not too long ago. Over a number of weeks, they had become close. One day, the man asked the woman if she enjoyed fishing.
Yes, she replied, she used to enjoy fishing with her late husband. The man agreed to pick her up at 6 a.m. the next morning. They went down to the river at the time they decided the next day, and began fishing.
After a while, the man began to move the boat upstream. They came to a fork in the river and the man asked the woman, "Up or down." Being nice, he wanted to let her decide.
The woman looked around, promptly took off all her clothes and jumped on the old man. They had passionate sex. After a while, they redressed and resumed fishing.
Later in the day, they came to another fork in the river. Again, the man asked, "Up or down," and once again the woman stripped and another round of passionate sex commenced.
That evening, upon arriving home, the man asked the woman if she would like to go fishing again the next day. The woman agreed. A little after 6 a.m. the next morning, they got to the river.
As they came across that first fork in the river, the hopeful man asked the lady, "Up or down."
"Down," the woman replied.
A little surprised, the man headed that way. After a morning of fishing, they got to another fork. "Up or down," the man asked.
"Up," the woman said.
"Wait a minute," the man said. "Yesterday, when I asked that question, you took all your clothes off and we had passionate sex. What's going on?"
"Well," the woman replied, "yesterday, I forgot my hearing aid and I thought you said "F*ck or Drown!'"
 
The manager at a garden centre overheard one of his staff members talking to a customer.
“No, we haven’t had any of that in ages… and I don’t know when we’ll be getting more,” the staff member said.
The customer left, and the manager stormed over.
“Never tell a customer we can’t get something!
Whatever they want, we can always order it and deliver it. Understand?”
The staff member nodded.
“So, what did he want?” asked the manager.
“Rain,” he replied.
🌧️
😂
 
Did you know that actor Yul Brynner was a lifelong Liverpool fan? Also that he never ever wore aftershave?

Yul never wore cologne.
 
5aside said:
how do you say bra in German ?
Stoppen frum floppen
Click to expand...
Not a joke but a real story. British forces in Germany. One of the wives went shopping, Her German wasn’t too good but she was trying to learn. Wanted to buy a bra and the best she could come up with was “titzenholder”. It’s not actually that far from the real word.
 
From an American cousin.
Potty training my three-year-old son, Matt, was a full-time job — and let’s just say, he wasn’t exactly Employee of the Month.
One afternoon, we stopped by Taco Bell for a quick lunch between errands. The place was packed — every table filled, the air buzzing with chatter and the smell of tacos.
Just as I took my first bite, a strange odor wafted through the air.
Uh oh, I thought.
I checked my seven-month-old daughter first — all clear. Then it hit me. Matt hadn’t asked to go potty in a while.
“Matt,” I whispered, “do you need to go potty?”
He shook his head confidently. “No.”
But that smell… oh, it was definitely getting stronger. My mom instincts kicked in.
“Matt, are you sure you didn’t have an accident?”
“No, Mommy!” he said again, louder this time.
I wasn’t buying it. I leaned closer, sniffed the air, and sighed. Oh Lord, please don’t let this be happening in public.
One last time, I asked, “Matt, did you have an accident?”
And that’s when it happened.
Matt jumped up from his chair — in front of a full dining room — yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his little cheeks, and proudly announced at the top of his lungs:
“SEE, MOM! IT’S JUST FARTS!!!”
For a second, the entire restaurant went silent.
Then chaos — people choking on tacos, soda spraying out of noses, laughter echoing off the walls.
Meanwhile, Matt calmly pulled his pants back up, sat down, and continued eating like nothing happened.
I, on the other hand, wanted to crawl under the table and never come out.
As we were leaving, a few kind older folks stopped to thank me.
“Sweetheart,” one woman said between giggles, “that was the best laugh we’ve had in years.”
And as we reached the door, an elderly gentleman leaned down to Matt and said,
“Don’t worry, son. My wife accuses me of the same thing all the time — I just never had the guts to prove it like you did.”
 
Woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" The husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked. The headaches are all gone."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Damn! That was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
His funeral service will be held on Wednesday.
 
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