General Jokes 🃏

Maurice Earp said:
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle...
They walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, ‘Dat’s dem.’
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
‘Yeah, we’ll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,’ says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.
Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry’s truck to drive to the top of the ConnorPass.
At the ConnorPass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, ‘Dis looks like a grand place…’
He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, ‘Sod dat.
Dis budgie jumping is too bloom’n dangerous for me!’
Click to expand...
Irish jokes? Really?
 
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing
our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for
breakfast, wearing only the 'T'shirt that she
normally slept in. As I walked in, almost
awake, she turned to me and said softly,
"you've got to make love to me this very
moment".
My eyes lit up as I thought, "I am either still
dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced
her and then gave it my all; right there on the
kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned
to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "what
was that about"
She explained, "The EGG TIMER'S broken".
 
One night, a wife came home much later than usual.
She carefully slipped off her shoes, not wanting to wake her husband, and tiptoed toward the bedroom.
As she pushed the door open, the faint glow of the nightstand lamp revealed a strange sight—beneath
the thick blanket on the bed, she could clearly make out not two, but four legs sticking out!
Her heart raced. “That lying, cheating—” she thought.
Without hesitating, she grabbed the baseball bat she kept nearby “just in case” and stormed over to the
bed.
Fuelled by rage, she lifted the bat and began swinging furiously, landing blow after blow on the mysterious
pair under the blanket.
Panting, her anger spent, she dropped the bat.
Feeling both vindicated and drained, she decided she needed a drink to calm down.
She stumbled toward the kitchen, opened the fridge, and poured herself some cold water.
As she turned, she froze.
Sitting casually at the kitchen table, flipping through a magazine, was her husband—calm, unharmed,
and very much not in bed.
He looked up, smiled warmly, and said,
“Oh, hey, darling! You’re home. By the way, your parents arrived unexpectedly tonight, so I told them
they could stay in our bedroom…”
 
An old lady was having her portrait painted
She told the artist to paint her with a diamond necklace, diamond earrings,
emerald bracelets, a ruby brooch, and a gold Rolex watch.
The confused artist said:
"But you aren’t wearing any of those things."
The old lady replied:
"I know. But if I die before my husband, I’m sure he’ll remarry… and I want
his new wife to go crazy searching for the jewelry." :ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO:
Moral: Wives can be dangerous even after death.
 
While her husband was at work, a blonde decided she was going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after he left, she got straight to work. When her husband arrived home at 5:30, he
immediately smelled fresh paint. He walked into the living room and found his wife lying on the floor in a pool
of sweat - wearing both a ski jacket and a fur coat!
Concerned, he asked, “Are you okay?”
She replied, “Yes.”
He asked, “What on earth are you doing?”
She smiled and said, “I wanted to prove to you that not all blonde women are dumb, so I decided to paint the house.”
Then he asked, “Why are you wearing two coats?”
She proudly replied, “I was just following the directions on the paint can... it said, For best results, put on two coats!”
 
A blonde goes into a store and sees a shiny object on the shelf.
She asks the clerk, “What is that shiny object?”
The clerk replies, “That is a thermos.”
The blonde then asks, “What does it do?”
The clerk responds, “It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold.”
The blonde says, “Oh! I could use something like that!! I’ll take it!”
The next day, as she walks into work with her new thermos she spots her boss and shows off her shiny new thermos, “I just got this yesterday, isn’t it wonderful! It’s a thermos and it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold!”
The boss asks, “And what do you have in it?”
The blonde replies, “Some coffee and an ice lolly".
 
A granny walked into a sex shop and asked the assistant for a vibrator and feeling a bit awkward the assistant showed the smallest a 4 inch, the Granby said “ thank you “ but have you a bigger one with that the assistant pulled out the 6 inch deluxe, the granny said “ thank you “ but do you have anything bigger? so the assistant brought out the 9 inch rampant rabbit and showed the Granny the rabbit, the Granny said “ thank you “ but anything bigger?
The assistant got the last one out the horny 12 inch horse and showed the Granny said “ that’s the one, how do you turn the f*****g thing off? “
 
"It's 3 o'clock in the bloody morning! Where the bloody hell have you been?!"

"Playing poker with some blokes"

"Gambling?! You promised me you'd quit! That's it, you can pack your bags and leave!"

"So can you, my love, it's not our house any more"
 
Did you hear about the Preschool teacher who was helping one of the children put on his boots?
He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.
By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, "Miss, they're on the wrong feet."
She looked, and sure enough, they were.
It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.
She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.
He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to.
Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.
No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, "They're my brother's boots. My mum made me wear them."
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.
But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your gloves?"
He said, "I stuffed them into the toes of my boots".
 
Seeing as the standard of jokes on here has plummeted recently, here’s my attempt to raise things a little -

A mother was in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying, "'All of You bastards who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks".
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
"All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."
She hears the little boy continue,
"For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added..........
"For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
 
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